A Reader writes:

"I wonder if it is ever a good idea to smack your children. When they are little, most times they don't understand properly and aren't paying attention when I try to tell them things. I'm worried they won't listen to me and will really get into trouble one day. Is a smack on the bottom a good idea in this situation?"

Dear Reader,

Like most things, what you do depends on what your goals are. Smacking kids does get results. The kids become fearful of the "smacker" - you - and do what you want them to do to avoid the smacking.

The down side is that your children don't learn to do things because they understand the difference between right and wrong. They learn to do things (or not do things) because they don't like to be smacked.

Some kids who are disciplined through spankings become sneaky. They don't worry about the morality of doing a bad thing. They worry about being caught - and hit. Other spanked kids become much too concerned with assessing what authority figures in their lives want instead of thinking about what they believe is right. Still others seem to learn that they only need to follow rules as long as someone bigger is around to enforce them. They look forward to the day when they are big enough to call the shots. Needless to say, none of these conclusions is the stuff of genuine morality.

I'm more interested in figuring out a style of discipline that helps kids internalize a sense of morality and personal responsibility. Remember: The original meaning of "discipline" is "to teach". Discipline, in this sense, is not a reaction to something you don't like but an effort to teach things you want your children to know about getting along in the world. Smacking doesn't accomplish this goal. But here are some ideas that do:

Disciplining for responsibility means setting rules that are appropriate to the age and stage of development for the child. When children don't understand properly, it's often because either the information is too complicated for them or the adult hasn't found a simple enough way to explain it (or both). There are lots of resources for helping you know what is reasonable for you to expect of your child at each age. Ask your pediatrician, an experienced parent, or your child's teacher if you are unsure. You can also visit websites or look at books on child development.

Remember that kids aren't able to listen to new information while you are angry with them. They are too worried about the anger. If you have something important to explain to them, pick a quiet moment and explain it simply. It often helps to ask a child to look at you when you are giving out important information. Looking helps with focussing.

Involve the kids in making rules whenever it is practical to do so. Kids who have a say in setting rules feel more invested in following them. Adults are often surprised just how wise kids are about rule setting when they feel invited to be part of the conversation.

Disciplining for responsibility means being very, very careful that we don't act out of anger or revenge when our kids do something wrong but that we be our most responsible selves (sometimes a tall order). When parents get angry and frightening, they are indeed impressive to children. But children then focus on the parent's anger and on their own fear instead of on the lesson we are trying to teach. Living within rules and boundaries is a fact of life and teaching responsibility means holding people accountable matter-of-factly. Humor helps a lot too.

Disciplining for responsibility means that the focus is on learning rather than on punishing the learner. The focus can't be on assigning blame or demanding retribution. Rather, the focus needs to be on helping the child understand what he or she did incorrectly and providing an opportunity to try again. Under this system, a parent doesn't smack a kid who misbehaves. Instead, the parent removes the child from the situation, looks him or her in the eye, kindly and firmly reminds the child of the rule, and provides an opportunity to try again.

Interested in learning more? You might find the following websites useful:

www.positivediscipline.com

www.awareparenting.com

www.naturalchild.com

Dr. Marie Advises:

To help your children become moral people ...

• Think about discipline as a curriculum instead of a judicial proceeding

• Always consider the age and stage of the child when setting up rules so you don't set the child up to fail

• Exercise self-discipline when your child misbehaves. Instead of reacting out of anger, think carefully about what you will do to help your child learn from the situation.