16-Year old Casey is pregnant. Her mother calls for an appointment for them both. She and her husband have forbidden Casey to see her boyfriend and Casey is refusing to come home from a girlfriends' house where, she claims, people understand and support her. As I listen to this distraught mother, it's very clear that beneath the fury is a worried and frightened woman. As the story unfolds, it goes from bad to worse. The boyfriend is a convicted felon, out on parole, 10 years older than her daughter. She suspects that they are drug involved. She just wants to get her daughter home so maybe they can talk. Her husband, in his hurt and confusion, sees the problem as one of defiance and refuses to let the girl in the house. He tells his wife that she may have to choose between him and her child. What, she wonders, is she supposed to do? We make an appointment for her and her husband to come into the office in a few days.

After an initial phone call, I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what I've learned so far and what I need to know to begin to help. I make some guesses that I'll check out with the family. I try to see beyond the immediate crisis. Here are some of the things I think about as I get ready to meet this family:

This kind of situation is a parent's worst nightmare. No matter what these people do, they risk alienating their daughter and shattering their family. It's in times like these we see just how grown up the grown ups really are. After the anger, after the pain, after the feelings of betrayal and grief are all said and expressed, - there's still a problem to be solved. This 16 year old child/young adult needs help. And the best people to help her are the people who love her the most and who have known he the longest.

This is one of the many times in parenting that dealing with our own feelings and helping our child have to be separated from each other. This girl has enough to deal with without being asked to manage her parents' complicated feelings and their even more complicated relationship with each other.

I'm going to ask Mom and Dad to come in together to see if Dad is interested in helping his daughter or only in having a tantrum. It's ridiculous to put his wife in a position of "choosing" between two people she loves. This is a situation where parents, if at all possible, have to get on the same side. Although a bitter fight in the couple would be a great way to avoid the crisis of the daughter, they really don't have time for it. Their daughter is getting more pregnant and more estranged from them every day.

At this point I don't know if the current situation is bringing a long simmering conflict between the two of them to a head - or if the fight is an expression of confusion and pain. I certainly hope, for the girl's sake, that whichever is the case, the parents can put their own stuff aside for a few months while we manage the crisis.

What will I tell these parents? First to reach to each other for comfort and support. They're going to need plenty of both for a time. They need to find a way to manage their feelings with each other instead of against the daughter.

Second, they both need to invite their daughter home. Whatever they may think about the situation, they have no way to influence the outcome if she stays out of reach.

Then they need to find a way to talk with their daughter "as if": as if she is a full adult, as if she might know what is really best for herself; as if she can make good decisions. People rise (and fall) to our expectations. Often enough, when given the benefit of respect, coupled with love and understanding, kids surprise us. And, often enough, when we put aside our anger and really listen, the kids have a point.

If Casey seems ambivalent about her choice of boyfriend, she may need her parents' loving "no" to help her separate from him. But if Casey insists that she wants to make the relationship with her boyfriend work, her parents need to swallow hard and invite him to their home too. They have no influence on him as long as they don't meet him, and they will lose their influence with their daughter if they set themselves against him. It's more important to stay connected than to take a stand about who Casey should be with.

I suspect that this boyfriend is bad news. But it's important to allow for the possibility that he is also young and afraid. At this point, we don't know what he did to get himself incarcerated. What we do know is that serving time is a traumatizing situation. Often young people become developmentally stuck at the age they went in. The fact that he is in relationship with someone 10 years younger than himself says a great deal about his arrested maturity. Maybe he's workable. Maybe not. If he really is abusing substances, the situation is even more difficult and Casey is in an even bigger mess. But it's important to meet him with an open mind and heart.

This is not a time for "I told you so's" and recriminations. It's not new information to Casey that this isn't the best way to become a parent herself. It's not new information to the boyfriend that her parents are mad. This is a time for the adults to be their most adult selves and to focus on what everyone thinks should happen next. Parents are certainly entitled to say how it all makes them feel as a part of the conversation. But, if parents want to keep the option open for their daughter (and perhaps their grandchild) to stay in their lives, the focus needs to stay on the young couple's decision-making, not parental anguish or outrage.

I realize that I haven't included advice about whether Casey should keep her baby, place it for adoption, or abort. There are never easy answers when the pregnant woman is 16. If she is drug involved, it's even more complicated. I don't know yet what I think she should do. I don't know enough about this family to even know what is possible. What I do know is that whatever decision Casey makes, it will be a life-altering one. Pregnancy is one of the few events in life that can't be erased from consciousness. Whatever she chooses, Casey is not a little girl anymore and her relationship with her parents is forever altered.

Crisis can be a time that brings out the best in people. I sincerely hope that I can help this family find their strength and love and be there for each other. They are certainly going to be challenged many times in the months ahead.

Dr. Marie advises:

When teenagers do something that makes you mad and sad . . .

• Deal with your feelings privately with your spouse or trusted friends. Deal with the problem with your teen.

• Keep your priorities straight: Your child is in trouble. Do what you know is best regardless of what others might think about your choices.

• Look for the possibilities. Things may not be as bad as they seem.

• Never, ever, ask someone you love to choose between you and someone she or he loves. Even when you seem to win this kind of choice, you will ultimately lose.

• Remember that if you close your kids out of their relationship with you, you also close off any opportunity for influence.

• Give your kid the benefit of the doubt. You raised her/him and your values are in there somewhere. Given the chance, those values will often come back out.