I've been thinking a lot about pioneering lately. Perhaps it's because so many Americans are within only a few generations of being from somewhere else that pioneering is so often an issue in American therapists' offices.

Many of us have grandparents or great-grandparents who climbed on board a ship somewhere and faced the dangers of ocean voyages and the trials of making a life in a new country.

Every pioneer faces seemingly contradictory and often confusing messages from family and friends. On the one hand, they wish the adventurer well. On the other, they don't want to be left behind or abandoned. So every child of an immigrant, every pioneer, will tell you that their parents have said something that adds up to go but stay.

"Get an education and better yourself but just because you have all that schooling, don't think you are too good to be with us. Whatever will make you happy is what we want you to do but - you want to do WHAT?"

Pioneers come in lots of forms. There's the child of generations of doctors who decides to become a cook There's the first child in a family to go to college or the first child in a college-educated family to make a life without it. Couples who come from families where no one managed to stay married for very long feel very much on a covered wagon, braving the unknown.

In short, any time someone in the family is the first to do something unfamiliar to the family, everyone is in that pioneering situation. The child is needing a vote of confidence. The family wants to give support but doesn't like the fact that the pioneer inevitably becomes somehow different from the rest of them.

In my younger days as a therapist, I identified strongly with the pioneers. As I have gotten older, I can now identify with the family being left behind and understand how scary and threatening it can be to watch your child go places you never were able to reach, or perhaps to even imagine. When a child goes pioneering, we parents no longer can offer the benefit of our own experience. We simply haven't experienced what they are doing. When a child calls home from the moon, we have little advice to offer about moon life, we can't say we know how it feels to be there (we don't), we can't share stories and jokes drawn from shared family experience. After we compare the weather, what do we talk about? It's an understandable impulse to want to draw the adventurer back home to familiar territory where we all know what we're talking about and where the old roles apply.

For me, the best part about getting older is to finally be familiar with both sides of the experience. As I listen to the young pioneers complain about the confusing behavior of family, I can help them understand that perhaps parents aren't maliciously holding them back. They may be just scared that they are losing their relationship with the child. When parents angrily talk about being abandoned by their children, I can help them understand that perhaps their children aren't coldly deserting them. They may be frustrated and hurt that their parents can't do the parent thing of helping them know what to do.

Can anything be done to help families in this situation? Sure. Naming what is going on is often in itself a great relief. Pioneering is a much friendlier definition than abandonment. Friendly understandings help everyone get past the anger and confusion so that they can begin to hear each other.

Parents can be helped to remember times in their own lives when they have stepped into the unknown and how important it was or would have been to have the blessing of the family in going forward. Young people can learn ways to affirm their love for their families without turning the wagons 'round and going home. Roles and relationships can be redefined so that the adventure becomes a new chapter in the family history rather than the reason that the family fell apart.

Dr. Marie advises:

To help keep the family connected when family members go where no one has gone before . . .

• If you are going pioneering: Have compassion for those left behind. Keep in touch. Share your experiences. But don't expect them to really understand. Love them anyway.

• If you are sending off the pioneers: Give them your blessing. Be interested. Keep your own life interesting so that you, too, have things to share. Don't' expect them to want to return to old ways. Love them anyway.