A mother, let's call her Anna, came in the other day, visibly upset. "I'm ready to throw in the towel. I just can't get my son to do what I want him to. No matter what I say, he stands there and defies me!"

As she talked, I pictured a 6 foot tall, sullen teen. Imagine my surprise when she told me she was talking about the 2 year old who was in the waiting room with his big sister. So we talked. We talked about the things I'm going to talk about here.

Many times, the problem between parents and children is not about the child. It's about the parents' expectations, the parents' response to the child's temperament, or the parents' lack of skills for dealing with the child's behavior. In the case above, it was all three. Anna didn't understand what is normal for a two year old. She was overwhelmed by her child's level of activity. And she was inadvertently escalating his behavior by getting into constant power struggles with him. Since she had done fairly well getting her daughter through early childhood, she felt confident about her parenting. Since her son was giving her trouble, she pointed the finger of blame at him.

One of the first things we talk about in our parent education classes is ages and stages of development. Many times, our difficulties with children have to do with simply a lack of information about what is in the range of normal. It is normal for a 2 year old to say no more than yes, to be easily frustrated to tears, and to push away the very person he feels safest with. It is normal because age 2 is one of the ages when children begin to experience themselves as separate from the grown-ups and begin to try out their ability to take some control of their lives. It's a healthy drive that gives them the courage to explore new things and become a little more independent. The same drive comes back again and again in our lives as we reach each new stage of development. Usually the way we express it gets more subtle and more socially acceptable than the average two year old but the push to independence and control is none the less a recurring theme. How an individual deals with it as a teen, as a young adult, and throughout adulthood seems to contain echoes of our two year old selves.

Any mother who has several children will tell you that they were different from each other from the moment they were each born. There really is such a thing as temperament. Some children are by nature quiet and reflective. Some are exuberant and active. Some are social. Some would just as soon be by themselves. All of these personality types (and the thousands of other possibilities) can be equally delightful and equally successful. But parents and kids can run into trouble when there is a mismatch between the child's nature and what the parents either expect or can tolerate.

Anna, a relatively quiet person, was a perfect match with her equally quiet and artistic daughter. She was ill equipped to deal with a very active and persistent boy. She couldn't quite accept that it is well in the range of normal for a child to climb on the sofa, to go up the stairs, to take everything out of the lower cupboards, to pull all the books and CDs off the shelf. As a single parent, she didn't have anyone to take a turn when his activity got too much for her, nor did she have another adult with perhaps a different temperament who could help her keep his antics in perspective so she could enjoy her son. This little boy is not hyperactive. He is just more active than his mother can stand. It's quite possible that in another family his active approach to life would not be particularly noticed or might even be applauded as evidence of his curiosity and growing strength. Anna needs to find something to genuinely love and appreciate about this little boy who is so different from herself.

Finally, often enough it is a parent's response to a behavior, not the child's behavior itself, that creates a problem, especially a recurring problem. I learned this one from my then 80-something grandmother. When my oldest was two, she was being particularly obstinate about something. I don't even remember what. What I do remember is Grandma's response. "What a strong girl you are," she said. "You want to do what you want to do. I tell you what. You show me how to do it." Instead of arguing with a two year old (a sure losing proposition), Grandma turned the situation into a lesson in cooperation and an affirmation of her great-grand-daughter's strength.

Fighting with children usually only ups the ante. Kids don't have the sense of limits that most adults have. When wound up, they will hit, scream, kick and bite. Unless you are willing to do the same (not something I would ever support), you are out-gunned. If you do indulge in an adult tantrum complete with screaming and hitting, all the kids will learn is that having tantrums wins as long as you are bigger than the person you are fighting with. And you could very well find yourself dealing with the authorities. We seem to have finally decided, as a culture, that small children shouldn't be hit by big adults.

Does this mean we should accept destructive behavior? Of course not. Part of our job as adults is to teach our children the meaning of limits and responsibility within what they can learn at each age and stage. This means knowing how to show approval for a job well done and knowing how to set clear, fair consequences that help children learn when they have acted inappropriately.

In our work together, Anna will be learning what she can expect at each new developmental stage so that she can adjust her expectations accordingly. She will be working on changing her level of tolerance for activity and finding supports so that she can get some time off now and then. And she will be developing her ability to set clear limits, as well as her ability to express approval and love.

Dr. Marie advises:

To bring out the best in your child . . .

• Know what is reasonable to expect at each age.

• Find something to love about each child's temperament

• Model good behavior yourself

• Give lots of approval and hugs when your child does well

• Remember that a good consequence is a teaching tool, not an expression of adult power.

• Develop your sense of humor and your patience