It's not at all an unusual problem but it's still a painful one for everyone involved. Mom and Dad divorce because they can't find a way to resolve conflicts caused by their different personalities and different ways for approaching the world. Dad remarries - this time to a woman more like himself. The kids come to stay every other weekend. Dad's new wife is appalled by the kids' wardrobes (or lack of them ), the kids' manners (or lack of them ), and the kids' interests (or lack of them). She sets out to help the kids by buying them different clothes, by insisting on table manners, and by demanding that they go out to play instead of watching TV. Mom won't talk to StepMom, won't send the new clothes back the next visiting weekend, and lets the kids know that she doesn't think much of StepMom's reforms. StepMom is annoyed with Dad for not backing her up. Dad withdraws into work or weekend sports and says there's nothing he can do.

The original misunderstandings and differences that led to the kids' parents' divorce have come forward once again. Mom and Dad never were able to be in sympathy with one another and now is no different, only this time Dad has an ally. The kids feel torn between their Mom's values and their Dad's. Their mother feels put down by their father's representative, StepMom. Dad feels furious with Mom and caught between the two women he depends on to help raise his children. StepMom feels unappreciated by her husband and the kids and exploited by Mom.

Usually it is the StepMom who comes to my office. She feels hurt, angry, and worried about her relationship with the children and her relationship with her husband. She has come to care for, even love, her husband's children very much and wants to do a good job as a parent. Naturally, she believes she is right in her ideas and wants me to help her shape up the other adults. Even if that were possible (it isn't), they are not in the room to be shaped. Mom, I'm sure, feels equally right about her position. Dad has been fighting with Mom for years. We'll get nowhere if we focus on what Mom and Dad should do differently. The only person StepMom can change in this situation is herself. My concern is whether I can help her drop her outrage, begin to look at the situation differently, and change her part in the cycle of hurt that is going on.

Assuming that we're talking about differences, not abuse or neglect, all of the adults in the situation need to start giving each other a break. Nobody has a corner on what is right; only on what they each prefer. Kids grow up to be good people with and without TV, with and without vegetables, with and without name brand clothes, with and without learning an instrument, with and without all sorts of things. I ask StepMom to consider that the differences between the rules and values of their parents' respective homes will not in themselves damage these children. The lack of respect among the adults who are important to them will.

So I ask StepMom to consider that Mom is raising these children 26 days out of 30. Quite apart from whatever fight she is in with her former husband, she's doing a very big job most of the time and deserves credit for that. StepMom can take a great deal of stress off of herself by accepting the reality that the children will always have a deeper, stronger, and longer relationship with their mother. She doesn't have to compete with that or correct what she sees as Mom's deficiencies. In fact, she would do much better to approach the children as young friends, not as responsibilities or as reflections of her beliefs about child-rearing. She can have far more influence on the well-being of the children by being an additional adult friend than by worrying about what clothes they wear. What a relief. All she has to do during the 4 days a month that she is with these kids is find ways to enjoy them.

StepMom can also withdraw from the struggle with her husband. He wasn't able to work out his differences with his former wife while they were married. He isn't going to be any more successful at it just because StepMom wants backing. The only negotiation that StepMom needs to engage in with Dad is how much and what kind of time he will spend with his kids when they are at their house for the weekend. Ideally, the kids should be getting the opportunity to know their Dad during their visits, not just their stepmother.

By getting out of struggles with the adults, StepMom also gets herself out of struggles with the kids. She certainly has the right to ask for basic politeness and respect for her things. But it's a losing battle to ask them to eat different things, to like different things, in fact to be different people than they are at their primary home. They can't. To do so is to be disloyal to the mother they depend on 26 days a month.

It's often fascinating what happens when one part of a complex system makes genuine change. Often enough, there is a quiet but significant domino effect over time. That's why I advise a stepmother in this kind of situation to understand what she can and can't change and to make peace with it. If she angrily withdraws or punishes her husband and the kids by playing the martyr, she hasn't shifted her role in the fight, only her tactics. If, instead, she can really let go and find a place for herself as another adult role model in the family, she may be surprised to find that she gets far more of what she was fighting so hard (and so ineffectively) to get.

Dr. Marie advises:

To be an effective stepmother when your values are different from the kids' mother. . .

• Remember to keep your role in perspective. If you are only with children 4 days a month, you only have 7% of the influence.

• Keep the big picture in mind. You can't win a battle over values. You can be an important, effective, and influential model for a different way to be an adult - but only if you are first a friend.

• Focus your attention on what you and your husband will do with the children while they are with you - not on what you wish their mother was doing with them while they are with her.