Can this marriage survive? It’s a question many of us ask as we try to juggle the care of a disabled child, the needs of our other children, and, oh yes, the relationship to that person I’m married to. The good news is that marriages with a disabled child are no more likely to end in divorce than others.

Many marriages have to meet a significant challenge: illness, high stress jobs, unemployment, drug addiction, out of control credit, a teen in scary rebellion, infidelity, etc. With a divorce rate approaching 50% in the U.S. , we all know that many couples end up fighting with each other instead of working together to manage the problem. It’s important to hold on to the truth that more than 50% do make it.  In fact, 20 – 50% of couples who have a disabled child report that the experience of working together for the good of their children strengthened their relationship and gave life new meaning. With work and love, your partnership can be in that group.

Researchers have found some common themes among couples who are able to stay together in spite of adversity. Long-married couples are committed to the vows they made (for better or worse). They look at problems as something to solve, not as a reason to bail. They educate themselves about whatever difficulty they’ve been handed and find out about the resources available to them. Usually, at least one member of the couple is optimistic by nature. Most have friends and/or relatives who give them support and love. And, maybe most important, there is sufficient security and maturity to put the marriage on the back burner now and then in order to deal with pressing demands.

In the case of marriages with disabled children, there are some unique variables.  A disabled child is a child with multiple needs. Parenting a disabled child usually involves learning about and dealing with multiple specialists, multiple systems, and multiple expenses that parents of typical children never have to even think about. Providing daily care, learning about the disability, choosing treatment options, managing a complex medical system, negotiating insurance, advocating for special needs schooling and responding to the legitimate needs of other members of the family adds another full time job to the family mix.

Mothers and fathers often respond to those needs differently, with a tendency to drift into rigid traditional gender roles. This occurs partly due to personal choice, partly as a response to stress (people generally retreat to what is familiar when stressed), and partly as a result of socioeconomic factors (e.g.,men still generally command higher wages than women). Each member of the couple needs to help the other keep the relationship in balance.

In the case of same sex couples, both members of the couple may lead with the same strengths. As a result, there can be even greater conflict and confusion about who should be doing what. With awareness and negotiation, this too can be managed. Whatever the gender make up of the couple, the over-arching issue is to be alert for when either person is feeling unfairly burdened.

Mothers:

Because they tend to be more intimately involved with the daily care of a child, mothers can fall into believing that only they know enough, care enough, or have enough experience to do the necessary routines and procedures. The couple may move further and further apart in expertise. Mom insists she can do it better and faster. Dad agrees and lets her do it. Then Mom feels she has to do it because Dad doesn’t know how. And so it goes.  It’s important that Dad learn all he can to be competent enough to take care of his child. It’s important that Mom have confidence in him so that she can leave every now and then for a needed break.

Mothers tend to be harder on themselves. They worry about whether they are doing enough for their child and doing it right.  Sometimes this is helpful as it spurs them on to get more information and training. Sometimes, though, this self-criticism can lead to depression. Mom needs to feel she can reach to her husband for reassurance and support. Dad needs to listen to his wife’s concerns and remind her that all anyone can do is their best and usually that is more than enough. If, however, she is getting overwhelmed by the daily care, it’s helpful when the dad initiates discussion about rethinking how she can get more help.  

Fathers:

Often couples have to make a hard decision about who will work, who will stay home, or whether there is enough money to hire some help.  Because men still generally make larger salaries than women, it is often the father who becomes the primary financial support. Sometimes men become frustrated and feel they have failed in their role if they can’t make ends meet through their work alone. Sometimes they become irritable and take it out on the very people they love most. Dad needs to be alert to the possibility of becoming resentful of his child and wife for the reduced financial circumstances of the family. Mom needs to remember to give him support for how hard he is working. Both need to periodically review the family finances so that they have realistic expectations and can share the stress and the decisions. If living on one income is impossible, it’s essential to revisit whether there is a way for both partners to be wage-earners without any overtone of blame.

Where women tend to focus on emotional needs, men tend to want practical help. This can be useful if the dad takes charge of finding out more about the child’s disability and about available community and school resources. It can be less helpful if he always avoids talking about his feelings by quickly moving to problem-solving. Sometimes women inadvertently add to this problem by getting frightened if they see their husbands get upset. It’s generally not useful for a couple to get so polarized that the woman expresses all the feelings and the man thinks he has to always be the “strong” one.  Mothers can help their husbands by encouraging them to express their feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment too.

Tending to the couple: There’s no one right way to do it.

Couples who not only survive but grow strong are those who believe they are working together as a team. There is no “right” way to do it.  There are many ways for a couple to divide labor, to provide for the family, and to keep things feeling fair and balanced. When there is a disabled child in the family, each year (sometimes each day) brings new challenges, new problems to solve, and new experiences. The process of adapting to a child’s disability, managing each new developmental stage, and supporting the growth of each and every member of the family is on-going through the life of the marriage. What’s important is taking care of each other and maintaining the sense of being in it together.