It happened again today. A man called my office to ask for a meeting to talk about his marriage. He and his wife are both in their late 20's and have been married five years, after going together for their last two years at college. They now have two very young children, a girl and a boy, ages 4 and 3. He says the first one was planned, the second was an "accident", but he loves both his kids and doesn't regret for a minute having the second one. The household is chaotic but mostly fun.

"So what's the problem?," I ask.

"Well", he says, "I don't love my wife enough. I mean, she's my best friend and all. We tell each other everything. But the romance is gone. We have sex but it's just not the same as when we first got together. I love her but I'm not in love with her anymore, if you know what I mean."

"How does your wife feel about it?", I want to know.

"She's hurt and angry but she loves me enough that she just wants me to be happy.", he replies.

Sometimes it's hard to be patient. Where, oh where, did this earnest young guy ever get the idea that the kind of love of early romance lasts forever. How is it that he hasn't figured out that married-with-children love is different, but certainly as fine in its way, as falling-in-love type love.? And how is it that his wife is going along with this craziness in the name of being loving?

In the name of lost romance, these two young adults are at risk of losing a marriage that sounds very viable and their two children are at risk of losing their family. If they divorce instead of working through their notions about love and life, these two people will each be on a continual hunt for the high of falling in love. Like most addictions, this one won't make them happy, only desperate. And the real losers will be their kids who will not only lose their family but who will be raised to think that everyone's happiness is secondary to one person's search for true love.

Just once I'd like to have a pop song make it to the top of the charts (and stay there for a few months) that celebrates staying-together-mature-love. Since most top 40 songs are written and sung by kids under 21 (or by people arrested in their development right there), I suppose I shouldn't be surprised or dismayed that the music that is the subliminal backdrop for most of our daily lives repeats and repeats the joys of falling in love, the pain of losing young love, the joys of re-falling in love, and the fear of losing romance. This is the myth of love that our kids hum along to every day. When people forget that it is indeed a myth, it sets them up for terrible disappointment. By definition, the intoxicating time of meeting and connecting with someone new diminishes with each day of knowing.

In Frank Pittman's latest book, Grow Up, he reminds us that the point of getting married isn't to be happy. The point of being married is to be married. If we look to our spouse to make us be happy because we are married to her or him, it's a set-up for disappointment. We each make ourselves happy and bring that to a marriage. Marriage, although usually grounded in attraction and early romance, isn't about keeping people high on love. It is about the business of making a life together, sharing in it, perhaps raising children, and having a supportive and loving companion who knows us well to keep us from feeling alone and scared as we deal with the vagaries of life..

This kind of problem isn't something that can be answered in an advice column. It's rare indeed for someone to change basic beliefs about love and marriage just because someone tells him or her that they have the wrong idea.

If this couple is to avoid throwing away a perfectly good marriage and to develop a more mature idea about love, they need to meet with a counselor for awhile. Because our ideas about marriage are usually grounded in what we did or didn't get to see in our elders' lives when we were growing up, it's important to take a step back. Together perhaps they can figure out where they learned to have such unrealistic expectations from marriage and why they are so dissatisfied when they already have what most people long for.

These two are so focussed on their mythic ideas about love that they are missing out on the wonderful reality that is right in their own house. Someone has to help them break out of the myth and reconcile themselves to living with what is real. Dr. Pittman says if you want more love in your life, be more loving. Dr. Marie adds that it might be helpful for this couple figure out what they fear about marriage and adult life and to confront that fear directly - together. With each other's support and love, they might be able to finally get really married.

Dr. Marie advises:

If you love your spouse but are no longer "in love" . . .

• Know that you are indeed blessed. You love the person you are making a life with.

• Be more loving. Love grows when you give it freely.

• Face your fears about growing up and being married. Your problem is is not with who you married but with yourself.