In the movie, Field of Dreams, the main character tells his traveling companion that he left home at 17 having said something terrible to his father. "Why did you say that?" asks his friend. "Because I was 17." It's a wonderful moment that acknowledges both the righteousness of youth and the hard won balance of middle age in only a few spare lines. Who among us hasn't been in both positions?

There's something about leaving home - even from a very good home - that seems to require a head of anger and righteous indignation as a booster rocket. One of my teachers once explained that such explosions are normal and even useful. If everything were perfect at home, why would any kid ever leave to establish his or her independent life?

On the parents' side, there is a perfectly reasonable resistance to being unjustly accused, being treated inconsiderately, or being the focus on adolescent angst. One of my insightful friends once said that the 9th month of pregnancy and the 18th year of life are similar in that both are so uncomfortable that, however wonderful it's been up to that point, you are just finally glad to get the kid out.

Being critical and restless is an important part of being 17 or so. Being exasperated and tired of parenting is a normal stage for parents.

Still. There are families where a young adult's normal restlessness and criticism gets met with so much parental defensiveness and anger that it becomes difficult for the young person to ever want to come back. Instead of marking the beginning stages of independence and the emergence of healthy interdependent relationships, a normal adolescent outburst marks the shattering of the family. Like the character in the movie, the adult child never returns, even for a visit. Often both sides come up with reasons that make this state of affairs seem okay, even necessary. Usually the reasons utterly blame the other. And sometimes (let's remember there are always exceptions) they are right. In most cases, though, this kind of estrangement emotionally erodes everyone it touches.

In healthy families, independence does not require abandonment of anyone by anyone else. Healthy maturation of grown children means that they are secure enough in their relationships with their parents and siblings that they can leave without feeling guilty, permanently angry, or blamed. And they can come back without feeling that they are giving up their autonomy, adulthood, or dignity.

Ease in coming and going is the mark of a family that has done it right. These are families where making arrangements for who goes where on holidays is simply a problem to be solved, not a test of love or duty. These are families where people visit each other because it feels good. These are families where people don't have to walk on eggshells to be together, and don't have to set off bombshells to get some time apart.

What distinguishes a family that shatters from a family that simply realigns to accommodate the new adults in its midst has a great deal to do with us, the parents in the situation. As has been the case throughout our children's growth (why should this stage be any different?), it is now our job to provide a model, a secure anchor, a place where our young people can work through this next stage of development.

Parents who take their young adults' restlessness and criticism seriously but not personally, who recognize that what is going on is normal, who can even privately delight in their kids' efforts to take them on, - these are parents who can best help their kids through. It helps to talk; to name the process, and to express our own ambivalence - and our confidence that it will work out okay. It even sometimes helps not to talk - if the talking is about being upset and saying things we really don't mean. Most of all, it helps if the process of establishing separate households is given our blessing and pride; acknowledging that one chapter in our lives together is closing and another is just beginning.

Dr. Marie advises:

To keep your family connected while young adults leave home . . .

• Remember that it is normal and natural for children to be prickly and difficult as they struggle for their independence.

• Try not to meet their prickly behavior with prickly behavior of your own.

• Don't' make your young person's decisions and conversations about more independence become tests of love or loyalty.

• Find a way to celebrate and mark this transition into adulthood with a small gift, a few words of wisdom, a special dinner.. Help your family members understand that you are all moving into a new way of being together, not breaking up the family.