Ever wonder why so many comedians make mother-in-law jokes? All they have to do is say, "Take my mother-in-law. Please take her" and the audience is off in a gale of laughter. Picking on in-laws seems to be a sure thing.

Why? Because in-laws tend to make people - lots of people - nervous. And one very good way to deal with anxiety is to make a joke. Comedians find that common chord of tension and then help everyone relax by making a joke. Jokes that put in-laws down make us feel more powerful. Jokes that assume that everyone is as uncomfortable with in-laws as we are make us feel less alone. It works. Jokes, whether they elicit a groan or a belly laugh, tend to make us feel better.

There is a price, though, to all this joking. We may be laughing, but we still feel uncomfortable, powerless, and alone. Jokes help us cope with our discomfort temporarily but they don't help us change the relationship to something warm and friendly. Making these relationships work requires understanding and effort.

'You see, in-laws are not people we chose to have in close relationship to us or who chose us back. They are people who are bound to other people we love, part of a package deal we were never sure we wanted and that we worry (maybe even fear) never wanted us. Their relationship with the person we did choose is longer and deeper than our own and therefore has strong pulls of loyalty and familiarity. Whether that relationship was good or bad or somewhere in-between, it has impact on our loved one and therefore on us. In-laws are among the people who love us - or not, who support us - or not, who judge us -or not, who help us - or not, who have expectations for us - or not. No wonder they often make us nervous.

If we wanted our mate enough, we understood that of course there would be some necessity for at least polite conversations every now and then with his or her extended family. Members of our own original family also often have in-law relationships to still other people we may or may not want to deal with. But there they all are --in-laws of our own and in-laws of the family-- in our family and in our lives - at holidays, ceremonies, birthdays, and reunions.

There are a number of ways to make these relationships work and work well. Like any other relationship, it does take some thought and effort. Unlike other unchosen relationships we find ourselves in (co-workers, the neighbors, classmates, clubmates, etc.), there are compelling reasons to make that effort. These people matter to the people connected to you.

Dr. Marie advises:

Helpful Hints for Being a Good "In-law":

Regardless of whether you are in the older or younger generation, an immediate in-law or an in-law of an in-law, there are some basic skills for making these relationships go more smoothly.

• Find something to admire in each person and tell them so. When people feel appreciated, they tend to warm up.

• Be exquisitely tactful. Remember that judgements that you make, even if done in fun, will be given a great deal of weight because of your "in law" status.

• Listen more than you talk. Ask questions about that person's life. It's a truism that people who listen are deemed the best "conversationalists".

• If someone is standoffish or cool, consider that just maybe they are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. Find a way to connect -- even if it's by making a joke about how weird it is to be an "in-law".

• Never, ever make assumptions about what is and isn't okay to use in an in-law's home. The most common mistake that both older and younger in-law generations make is using things without asking. Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean it's okay to go into cupboards, raid the fridge, or borrow the car. Err on the side of asking too much until you and they have a shared understanding or what is and isn't for common use.

• Always offer help when visiting. Look for ways to give a hosting family a break. Take everyone out for a meal. Watch the kids for a few hours. Help with the dishes. You may be a guest but you are also family. Pitch in.

• Make sure that the help you offer is considered help by the receiver. I know one family that nearly came to blows on this one. Mother-in-law, meaning only to be helpful, would arrive the day before Passover each year and work herself to exhaustion cleaning her daughter-in-law's house -- which said daughter-in-law had already spent a week cleaning. You get the picture.

• Short of abuse, it is the parents' decision how to raise their kids. Because a family does things differently doesn't necessarily mean that it is wrong. If you do suspect (or observe) abuse, find a private, quiet moment to tactfully offer help and to make it clear that it has to stop. We are all responsible for the safety of children (and the equally vulnerable elders) in our families.

• Above all, hold onto your sense of humor. The reason these relationships are difficult is that they are - well, difficult. The ability to laugh at yourself and laugh things off can ease things for everyone.

• Like all relationships, in-law relationships are a two-way street. Unlike many relationships, they are lifelong. All those holiday dinners and summer get-togethers add up over time. When people put in the effort, in-laws often enough become friends.

Holidays and in-laws can be tricky indeed. For a helpful article on negotiating who goes where:

Click to www.HelpHorizons.com and find the following article in the library there.

"The Turkey Trail: Which Home for the Holidays"