"Look for the Grandma". One of my best teachers repeated this lesson often. When a child from a chaotic home is doing better than you'd expect, look for the "grandma." "Grandma" in this case is any adult who cares about and spends time with a child. An aunt, best friend's mom, non-custodial parent, scout leader, youth group leader, teacher, coach, or even a grandma, can be the "grandma" that broadens a child's worldview and possibilities.

Many children live in situations that are indeed very confusing, even emotionally and physically toxic, for a child. Parents who are alcoholic, drug-involved, ignorant about children's needs, and/or unprepared to parent for a variety of reasons, can't and don't give children what they need to grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. In their confusion and neediness, their kids become as overwhelmed and unable to attach to anyone as their parents. Some fall in with the wrong crowd and start acting up. Some get so discouraged they withdraw into a world of dark thoughts and depression. And some don't make it at all, becoming another adolescent suicide statistic.

But some of these kids do seem to thrive in spite of the parents they were born to. That's when I start to look for the grandma. Some adult, somewhere, sometime, has given this kid an alternative way to look at her or himself and life. Some adult has put emotional money in that kid's psychic bank. Some adult has shown him or her that life can indeed be different than what he or she knows as daily life at home.

Over the years I've met many of these kids after they've grown up - kids who managed to make it in spite of terrible conditions when they were young. Without exception, there's been some adult in the picture at some time who made the effort to connect. It often didn't last long. Sometimes it's as little as a 2 week summer visit, or a few meetings where something important was said, or an encounter that probably didn't seem that significant to the adult but that changed the child's life direction. Needy kids hold these visits and encounters in their hearts like a precious warm light. When they finally escape their parents either through growing up, running away, or being thrown away, they pull that light out for warmth and courage as they try to make something of themselves. It's as if they are saying to themselves, "so and so looked at me and saw something worthwhile. Just maybe she was right."

I talk about this today because summertime is often visiting time. Children often get to spend some time with relatives or other families. Sometimes this happens because of love. Sometimes because of a visitation decree. Sometimes because a child just starts spending lots of time at a friend's house. However the visits come about, these times can have much more impact than the adults involved imagine.

I talked with a discouraged grandma today. Her grandchildren are truly neglected at home; not enough to get their parents in trouble but neglected none the less. She wonders what good 2 - 3 weeks with her every summer can possibly do. She even wonders if it is too confusing for the kids to come to her house where they are treated so differently from what happens at home. I quickly reassured her and encouraged her to keep it up. At her house, the kids get a strong dose of love and affection. They are read to and tucked in at night. They are each told how wonderful their individual talents are. Their opinions are listened to and respected. During the summer, Grandma gives them a yearly gift of self-esteem and value. During the rest of the year, she sends little notes and cards that let the kids know that they are important enough to think about. In this case, Grandma knows that she can't change the way the kids are treated by their parents. But, in her own love and concern for them, she gives them what she can. It adds up.

A divorced parent called me the other day. His former wife, her new husband, and his three kids live 1500 miles away. He thinks that their Mom puts her new marriage ahead of the kids but feels absolutely powerless to change it. Is there anything he can do? "Sure", I tell him. "Make a different kind of home for them every July and every other Christmas when they live with you and maintain friendly contact throughout the year." I tell him that he shouldn't ( and doesn't need to) speak negatively about their Mom's home. At some point, the kids will get old enough and will have enough experience to make their own judgements. If he wants to let his kids know they are valued and loved, all he has to do is show it. This requires time, not money. It means listening and loving and paying attention to who they are. It adds up.

A friend of mine happened to mention that her daughter's best friend is spending a lot of time at her house, frequently having meals and staying overnight. She doesn't like interacting with the girl's mother who is often intoxicated and always frustrating. No matter what arrangement my friend makes for rides, return times, curfews, etc., the other mother somehow pushes the limit. It's becoming clear that the girl really appreciates the stability and warmth that she gets from her girlfriend and family. The family is happy to fold her into their activities. They do it because they genuinely like her. She accepts their care because something healthy in her is drawn to what she needs. It adds up.

Summer time. Visiting time. Loving and caring time. Time when a child can experience self, life, and relationships with others in a different, more positive way. It really does add up.

Dr. Marie advises:

If you have the opportunity to offer a child a summertime alternative to an inadequate home. . .

• Don't -don't - don't verbally trash the child's home, parents, or upbringing. He or she has to go back there and live there. It's hard enough. - If the situation the child has to return to is really dreadful, involve the law, not the child.

• Spend time - lots of it. Neglected children need time and attention like a plant needs water.

• Don't forget the kids during the rest of the year. An occasional card or phone call lets the child know that she or he is worth thinking about and caring about.

• Let the child know that he or she is loved for simply being who he or she is; not because of what he or she is able to do for you.

• If you can, tactfully help him or her reinforce and learn some of the strategies for resiliency. See the article entitled "Resiliency" in the feature library.