Parenting in the 90's. It's a full time job that most of us are juggling in part time hours. Despite the long hours and increasing demands of challenging jobs (and an often daunting commute) most of us are somehow attending school meetings, serving on school boards, hiring committees, and the PTO, volunteering to be Sunday school teachers, scout leaders, and coaches, helping with homework, reading aloud, playing catch after dinner, and generally keeping track of our equally busy children. The days are full. Few of us get enough sleep. Leisure time usually means time on the bleachers watching our kids' games or family outings. It's a busy life - and generally a rewarding, if exhausting one. But something has to give to make it even vaguely possible. That something is usually something about the couple's relationship.

I'm finding that many of the unhappy couples who come to my office don't understand that losing some of the intensity of their relationship is not only normal but necessary during the child-rearing years. Time devoted to our partners has to be redefined to make parenting possible. With the arrival of children, the spotlight of attention and energy has to shift to them. Millions of couples have been doing this for millions of years. It's a natural shift in the life cycle. But unhappy people are those who feel somehow cheated that they can't have the life, and the attention, they had before they became parents.

It's understandable. Top 40 tunes that are the backdrop of young people's lives speak to finding "the ONE" who will answer all our hopes, dreams, and needs. Those songs rarely talk about what happens next. If they speak of children at all, they talk about the sweetness of having a baby as a confirmation of the couple's love. They certainly don't talk about 2:00 a.m. feedings, chickenpox, and homework battles. Much of our culture has become so stratified by age that little girls and boys aren't taking care of younger kids much anymore. They don't grow up with a clear idea of what to expect. And the contrast between the lives we live pre and post baby has become very marked.

"Pre-kid" we can be spontaneous. We can talk on the phone for hours. We can stay up late, even all night, and still manage work the next day. "Pre-kid" we can pick up and go at a moment's notice. We can linger over brunch or stop for a drink after work. "Pre-kid", we can have long romantic evenings with our partner. We can have uninterrupted conversations. We can argue until we've worked a problem all the way through. "Pre-kid" we can sometimes be a child ourselves and look to our partner for comfort, for undivided attention, and for treats when we want or need it. In healthy relationships, we also give our partner for that same comfort, attention and unexpected treat when they need it - and especially when they don't.

"Post kid", we are in entirely new territory. We now have a whole list of new chores and responsibilities that make it almost impossible to do any of those "pre kid" activities. Some people experience this as an enormous - even frightening - loss.

This can happen for a number of reasons: There are couples where one or the other has looked to their partner to make up for the mommy or daddy they never had. In other couples, people are trying to be the kind of mom or dad they wish they had had and lose sight of the fact that they need to be a partner too. Other couples come from families where they had no model of responsible adults taking care of children responsibly. Other couples are in an unhappy deal where one is a super-responsible adult while the other is enabled to continue a prolonged adolescence. In still other couples, one member has been secretly ambivalent about having children at all and now finds his or her worst fears to be true - there just isn't enough attention to go around when the adult still wants too much attention. And there are some adults who really do understand the need for new roles and new priorities but who haven't known how to readjust their daily lives to reflect their new reality.

It's an unusual person indeed who can recognize the problem and simply state, "Honey, I know this is unreasonable but I miss you and as much as I love junior here, there are days I'd really like our old life back so could you please put that baby down for a few minutes and cuddle with me ?" Instead, most people who have trouble with the adjustments necessary for parenting start acting out. They become demanding, argumentative, depressed, sulky, or withdrawn. They become interested in the single person at the office who is able to give them attention they crave. They start whining about stupid things. Some feel like saints and act like martyrs just for doing the most basic of parenting tasks.

In short, someone who is lonely for his or her partner and who is scared or overwhelmed about new responsibilities ends up looking like a jerk instead of the very human, very vulnerable person she or he is. If things get bad enough, they may start looking outside the marriage to reclaim the attention they had before children. If they are wise, they call on an older and wiser relative or friend or someone like me for help.

Couples often need to be reminded that adjusting to parenting is, in fact, a major life event. Many people are confused by the conflict between wanting to be a good parent and wanting to hold on to the intoxicating romance of courtship and early marriage. Often simply naming this truth is enough to start to turn things around. Good counseling (whether by a friend or a professional) lets people air their feelings and helps them find ways to make time for the couple at least some of the time.

One solution is to create couple-rituals that the whole family learns to respect. I know one family where Mom and Dad have an uninterrupted cup of coffee after dinner every night as a time to touch base, catch up, and talk about grown-up things. Another couple I know has been going out for a few of hours every Friday night since their first child was only a few months old. When they were young, all they could afford was the cost of a sitter so they just went for a walk. As they got older, they could afford an occasional dinner out. Now that the kids are teens and don't need a sitter, they sometimes even go to a movie. Still another couple I know (both of them "morning people") get up and have breakfast together before they start the "hurry up" of getting children up and out. Still another couple has arranged with both of their employers to come in late one morning a week. They get the kids off to school and then have a luxurious hour to go back to bed together or to chat. Their rule for this time is that it can't be used for arguing or doing serious business. Still another couple told me that once they understood the problem, they didn't need to do anything particularly special. They just make it a point to remember to give each other a random hug now and then, to find times to be really attentive to what is going on in each other's life, and to every once in a while do something spontaneous and special for each other.

The arrival of the first baby marks a new stage in a couple's life together; a stage that has its own rewards, its own pleasures, and its own challenges. People who are the most successful at making the transition from couple to family are those who embrace and find joy in this stage of life, knowing that it is intense and brief, and that they will be without children in the house again all too soon.

Dr. Marie advises:

To successfully make the transition from the romance of early marriage to the responsibilities of being parents:

• Don't expect that the couple and the children will get equal time and attention. Part of being a grown up is accepting the imbalance. Children deserve to get the bulk of your attention and energy until they are old enough to leave home.

• Do build in some way to recognize and nurture your relationship with your partner at least a few times a week.

• A little bit of talk - often - does more to sustain a relationship than a big show-down every few months. Couples who regularly share their confusions as well as their joy and who offer each other support and appreciation grow in their love for each other.

• If you can't stand not having the kind of attention you had from your partner "pre kid", consider some counseling to help yourself grow up enough to be a parent.