This article originally appeared in the Amherst Bulletin, January 28, 1994

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Comments on The Nurture Assumption
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
November 16, 1998

What is it in the human soul and mind that resists complexity? Now there is a writer/researcher who claims on the basis of an impressive amount of library research that parents ultimately don't matter much. Judith Rich Harris argues in her book The Nurture Assumption that the development of children's personalities and behavior is primarily determined by their interactions with their peers. This assertion is getting wide play in the media and Ms Harris is getting awards for it.

I've been in the world of psychology for a long time now - pushing 30 years. I remember the nature-nurture debate of several decades ago. The issue was finally settled when it was determined that both are important. What we are born with genetically and what we learn from our environment both seem to have an effect on who we are and become. At the risk of being irreverent towards the work that established that compromise , it seems pretty obvious to me.

People seem to need to point to an "it" that explains everything. "It" is bad parenting. "It" is biological. "It" is birth order, "It" is outside influences. "It" is lack of education, "It" is peer pressure. . . . (All this reminds me of the Officer Krumki song in West Side Story. Remember? The song satirizes all the well-meaning social workers who come up with various explanations about why gang members are who they are.)

My response to Ms. Harris is, with all due respect, that she doesn't have the "it" either. Although there are some days that I would love to disclaim all responsibility for what my teenagers are doing (they can be so unattractive at times), to do so would deny the meaning of our relationship. My husband and I made them. They are making us. (Our kids also force us to grow up, you know.) In the course of daily living, we react to each other. We react to each other's reactions. And we all take the resulting mix out into the world the next day.

You see, the issue Dr. Harris evades is that no one goes out to the peer group as a clean slate. The family is the first social unit and as such is the first place that a child tries out behaviors to see what helps him or her fit in and what doesn't. Babies only a few days old figure out how to engage the adults around them. Little kids learn the survival skills of their own families and bring them on to the playground. Right through adolescence, kids rehearse and work at such issues of autonomy, power, responsibility, interdependence, trust. Sometimes what is learned in the family works elsewhere and sometimes it doesn't but it always gives the kid a place to start.

After almost 30 years as a psychologist, I've become convinced that there is no "it" that explains human behavior. We are all too wonderfully complex and rich in our heredity and experiences to reduce to any simple explanation. I've always seen peer relationships as very important when counseling children and teens - but I also know that, however important for a given child, it's only a part of the picture. If I'm to understand any child, I need to look at the total situation: their parents, the quality of family interactions, family values, issues of gender, race, and class, the unique, seemingly innate qualities of the individual, and so on.

In a recent article in the Boston Globe, Ms. Harris states that anyone who insists that kids turn out the way they do because of a variety of factors is wimping out. I don't think so. I marvel at the countless factors that can lead us to be who we are and that make every one of us so unique and interesting. I certainly understand the desire to simplify it. After all, if we could finally come up with the "it" that explains everything, taking care of unhappiness and dysfunction would be simple in deed. As tempting as it is, the real wimping out is to focus our thinking so narrowly.

Dr. Marie advises:

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Holiday Traditions
by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
November 23, 1998

But we always have mixed nuts at Thanksgiving.. But we always have turkey for Christmas dinner. But we always have the youngest child open the first Hanukkah present (this protested by the youngest). But we always go to grandma's for New Year's Day.

Any parent who has ever tried to change anything on a holiday will hear a chorus of "always". Do something two years in a row on a given holiday and you're doomed to do it forever, or so it seems. If, like me, you thrive on novelty and change, the insistence of kids that you make every holiday a rerun can be exasperating. (I sometimes feel like I'm in that movie "Groundhog Day", where the main character has to do the same day over and over until he gets it right.) Oh, all right. - I have to admit it - This is an overstatement. The truth is that I enjoy certain rituals as much as the next person. But the kids' demands for continuity and sameness got me to thinking about what traditions associated with holidays are all about.

There seems to be something very basic in the human soul that craves some predictability and some recognition that we move in concert with the seasons. Name me a culture where there aren't markers for the passing of time. I can't think of any. We may do it differently - family to family, country to country, (planet to planet for all I know) - but, where there are people, there seems to be annual feast days, holidays, holy days, rest days. The need to ritualize them with predictable activities, foods, and/or objects seems to be universal.

My theory is that these markers of time are a fundamental way that we all have to make the unpredictability and stress of daily life bearable. At the most basic level, holidays give us some comfort and strength from the simple observance that we've ma de it once more around the calendar. On a more complex level, they provide a culturally sanctioned reason for everyone to stop, to take stock of ourselves, to acknowledge who we've chosen to be in our families and communities, to underline for ourselves how we are doing, to make new promises to self and others. There is no way for even the most jaded person to avoid it. To be cranky about a holiday and to decide not to observe it still observes it and brings to awareness ones relationship to others.

Kids intuitively understand all this complicated stuff. Sometimes what they latch on to as recognition of the event can be a little weird (like the mixed nuts) but the impulse to mark the passing of time with some kind of gathering and observance is a healthy one. Anything positive, done regularly, puts something important in the child's internal "security bank"; emotional steadiness that can be drawn on in more difficult times. Kids may not be able to explain it but they do know they need it. It's important that we understand that their requests for sameness aren't just inconvenient foibles but are a reflection of kids' legitimate needs for security.

As parents, we can do a great deal to make sure that that inner bank of love and security has a healthy balance by the time they leave our care. Family traditions around holidays are one of the means we have for letting children know that they are embedded in community, for witnessing their growth over time, and for passing on important cultural and family values.

I wish I had thought more about this when my kids were younger. As in most families, our rituals and yearly observances have evolved over the years into what they are and we certainly do repeat them, and, mostly, enjoy them. But if I had it to do over again, I might more consciously think about just what it is that I want my children to carry with them into adulthood as a statement of their family's love and allegiances. My husband and I talk about it more. Gradually, we're introducing some new things into our yearly rhythm: less reliance on gifts and a perfectly clean house, more time with the people who matter, more attention to each individual child's development. If we do it gradually enough, and keep to some of our more obvious routines, perhaps the kids won't notice that we're trying to slip in some new rituals. If we get away with it two years in a row, we'll have a new tradition.

P.S. And, yes, we'll have mixed nuts every Thanksgiving.

Dr. Marie advises:

Holidays are not an "extra". They are essential markers in the rhythm of life.

• Embrace holidays. There are never enough reasons to celebrate life.

• If you don't like the commercialism that's come to surround some holidays, make up your own traditions.

• Be thoughtful about the values and traditions that you want to pass on to your children through your holiday activities.

• Include your children in the planning, creating, cooking, story telling, gifting, visiting, etc. Kids who are part of it all will know how to carry it on when it is their turn.

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Home for the Holidays
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
November 30, 1998

When we were in our early 20's a friend of mine called it "the turkey trail": Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 at her mother's house, another full holiday meal at his parents' at 6:00. At each house, she and her new husband were obliged to eat enthusiastically and almost to pretend that the other family didn't exist. In December, they went through it again, this time in the form of painful negotiations about whose house got them first for Christmas.

Every year, I watch the turkey trail come up for friends and clients alike as the holiday season approaches. Some families manage to come up with creative solutions that really work. Others are painfully fair about who goes where, feeling vaguely guilty and unhappy no matter what they do. Still others greet every November with new dread as they try to figure out what to do this year. What's really going on?

Often enough, the problem is a developmental issue that people don't have a name for or a friendly way to understand. First marriage, then the arrival of children, mark important shifts in primary loyalty from the family in which we grew up to the new family unit. The negotiations about where and how we spend which holidays is an important exercise in establishing who we are in relation to each other as a couple and what roles we take in relation to our extended families. Done well, these negotiations lead to comfortable, healthy relationships among all family members. Done badly, there's a price. The new family may not develop a strong enough identity to sustain it through hard times. Tension stays between the generations that then colors every family event. Where people spend each holiday can become a point scored in a painful contest of loyalties.

The issue often comes to a head when the new family has children in the preschool years. There comes a time when it becomes very clear that it is just too difficult to pack up the kids, the kid paraphernalia, the gifts, and the contribution to the holiday dinner - all to make the sojourn "home" for the holidays. It becomes important for the new family to stop rushing to get somewhere else and to let themselves enjoy a leisurely Christmas morning or first Hanukkah night, to let the children enjoy the gifts they have just received, and to let the adults relax. In the natural evolution of a family, "home" is no longer where the parents lived as children. "Home" is right here.

Some families make this natural process so unnecessarily painful. The older generation feels rejected, unappreciated, and angry. The younger generation feels pressured, guilty, and resentful. Because they don't recognize that what is going on is a healthy shift in family loyalties, people start pushing at each other in hurtful ways. Sometimes awful things get said as the young family begins to try to establish their own traditions and the older generation tries to hold on to what is familiar. The family eventually does reconfigure, but the sting of how it was done shadows the holiday season for years.

It doesn't have to be this way. When this developmental shift is the problem, my job as a therapist and educator is to help the various family members understand that what is going on is a normal and useful stage. We can then work together to figure out how to re-negotiate what has always been to what is needed now.

The older generation can be enormously helpful in this process by sharing memories of how hard the same shift was when they were young and by giving a kind of permission for the new family to begin to make their own traditions. When the older folks take the pressure off in a loving, non-manipulative way, adult children are more likely, not less, to include their parents' needs in the equation. The younger generation can help by appreciating how difficult the change can be for the older folks. Further, adult children need to be mindful that the same issue will confront them someday from the other side. How they manage it now is a model for their own children as they grow. When the generations try out new solutions together, the issue becomes a problem that everyone is working on instead of a painful process of push and pull.

It almost doesn't matter what a family comes up with as a solution to the turkey trail. What matters is that people feel loved, included in the process, and engaged in making the whole thing work for everyone at least some of the time. Many families d o this without benefit of professional help. But sometimes calling in a family therapist, a trusted family friend, a clergy person, or some other "consultant" can help people manage their feelings and find new ways to cooperate. Whatever route people choose, working through the holiday dilemma in a way that leaves everyone feeling loved and secure in their family relationships is a lasting and wonderful gift for all involved.

Dr. Marie advises:

To reduce family tensions around who goes where on holidays. . .

• Remember that it is normal and natural for adult children to struggle with their need to honor their own families' traditions and the equally compelling need to create traditions of their own.

• Take the stance that holiday decisions are problems to be solved, not tests of love and loyalty.

• Don't get fixated on "the day" as the only day for a holiday. The point is to be together. Christmas dinner can be the weekend following Christmas. All the August birthdays in a family can be celebrated together at one big wonderful Saturday party.

• Be willing to negotiate trades. We get the kids this year for Passover. You get them for Thanksgiving. Next year, we'll switch. -or-Since you celebrate Christmas and we don't, you do the Christmas thing and we'll have a get together on New Year's.

• Try never to leave anyone totally alone during major holidays. There's nothing lonelier than eating dinner in front of the TV when the whole culture seems to be celebrating togetherness.

• Take care of yourself. If you are going to end up without family on a holiday, invite friends, feed people at a local homeless shelter, invite foreign exchange students over for an American meal, do something special for yourself. If you've all negotiated well, it will be your turn to have a family get-together on the next holiday.

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New Year's Resolutions
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
January 4, 1999

There's something in the human condition that likes new beginnings. Diets always start after the holidays. Birthdays are a great time to quit smoking. Every week gives us a Monday to start some new project. (What is it about Thursdays that makes it difficult to get excited about a new effort?) The Monday after a vacation --- now there's a great time to launch some new idea. And then there's the greatest day of all for making new promises to yourself - New Year's.

Despite the fact that most New Year's resolutions are broken within 48 hours ( someone actually keeps such statistics), making them can be an important time for taking stock, setting new goals, reassessing how we are going about things. Just as Thanks giving can be a time for reflecting on the many things we can be grateful for, New Year's can provide a time for reflecting on where we are going.

Children need models of adults taking responsibility for their lives. They need to see adults setting goals, working towards them, and being accountable to themselves and others for the results. Becoming a responsible adult comes from watching adults do their lives responsibly.

Kids get most of this kind of learning by just being around us. One of my teachers used to swear that they pick up our example through the soles of their feet. Whether or not we set out to teach them our way for handling life, they do pick it up. After all, as far as a young child knows, your way is the only way. Children don't yet have the range of experience to make comparisons.

Letting your children watch you systematically take on a change is one of the most important gifts you can give them. Handle setbacks with renewed resolve and a new approach, and you show them how to manage frustration and how to persevere. Handle defeat by learning something from it and you show them how to do the same. Celebrate success with grace and you show them how to be good winners. Do all of these things and you demonstrate what it means to be competently in charge of life.

These lessons can be more purposefully taught as well. It's very helpful for children when parents name what they are doing as they work on a problem. One of the best teachers I know is a Dad who never had an education course in his life. But when he and the kids are working on chores, he provides a running commentary on what they are doing and why. He doesn't simply order the kids to help him, say, shovel the snow. Instead, he involves them by asking them what they think is the best way to go about it. Yes, it takes a few extra minutes. But the kids like being in on figuring out how to best clear the driveway with the least effort. To them it's a game. To the Dad, it's a way to get the job done with a minimum of whining. To me as an observer, it's a wonderful exercise in teaching these kids how to solve a problem, now to work cooperatively, and how to make what could be an onerous task into an enjoyable challenge. Of course, not every chore lends itself to this approach but enough of them do that these kids are growing up with an amazing sense of their own resourcefulness and competence.

As you take stock this year, also take stock of what your kids are learning from how you go about it. Your most important resolution may not be about your new diet or more exercise. It may be that you want to affirm or change how your kids see you do it.

Dr. Marie advises:

To make resolutions useful . . .

• Think about them as exercises in learning, not as tests for success or failure.

• Let your children see your process as well as your results. Show them how to tackle a problem, learn from defeat, and celebrate success.

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Pioneering
by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
January 18, 1998

I've been thinking a lot about pioneering lately. Perhaps it's because so many Americans are within only a few generations of being from somewhere else that pioneering is so often an issue in American therapists' offices.

Many of us have grandparents or great-grandparents who climbed on board a ship somewhere and faced the dangers of ocean voyages and the trials of making a life in a new country.

Every pioneer faces seemingly contradictory and often confusing messages from family and friends. On the one hand, they wish the adventurer well. On the other, they don't want to be left behind or abandoned. So every child of an immigrant, every pioneer, will tell you that their parents have said something that adds up to go but stay.

"Get an education and better yourself but just because you have all that schooling, don't think you are too good to be with us. Whatever will make you happy is what we want you to do but - you want to do WHAT?"

Pioneers come in lots of forms. There's the child of generations of doctors who decides to become a cook There's the first child in a family to go to college or the first child in a college-educated family to make a life without it. Couples who come from families where no one managed to stay married for very long feel very much on a covered wagon, braving the unknown.

In short, any time someone in the family is the first to do something unfamiliar to the family, everyone is in that pioneering situation. The child is needing a vote of confidence. The family wants to give support but doesn't like the fact that the pioneer inevitably becomes somehow different from the rest of them.

In my younger days as a therapist, I identified strongly with the pioneers. As I have gotten older, I can now identify with the family being left behind and understand how scary and threatening it can be to watch your child go places you never were able to reach, or perhaps to even imagine. When a child goes pioneering, we parents no longer can offer the benefit of our own experience. We simply haven't experienced what they are doing. When a child calls home from the moon, we have little advice to offer about moon life, we can't say we know how it feels to be there (we don't), we can't share stories and jokes drawn from shared family experience. After we compare the weather, what do we talk about? It's an understandable impulse to want to draw the adventurer back home to familiar territory where we all know what we're talking about and where the old roles apply.

For me, the best part about getting older is to finally be familiar with both sides of the experience. As I listen to the young pioneers complain about the confusing behavior of family, I can help them understand that perhaps parents aren't maliciously holding them back. They may be just scared that they are losing their relationship with the child. When parents angrily talk about being abandoned by their children, I can help them understand that perhaps their children aren't coldly deserting them. They may be frustrated and hurt that their parents can't do the parent thing of helping them know what to do.

Can anything be done to help families in this situation? Sure. Naming what is going on is often in itself a great relief. Pioneering is a much friendlier definition than abandonment. Friendly understandings help everyone get past the anger and confusion so that they can begin to hear each other.

Parents can be helped to remember times in their own lives when they have stepped into the unknown and how important it was or would have been to have the blessing of the family in going forward. Young people can learn ways to affirm their love for their families without turning the wagons 'round and going home. Roles and relationships can be redefined so that the adventure becomes a new chapter in the family history rather than the reason that the family fell apart.

Dr. Marie advises:

To help keep the family connected when family members go where no one has gone before . . .

• If you are going pioneering: Have compassion for those left behind. Keep in touch. Share your experiences. But don't expect them to really understand. Love them anyway.

• If you are sending off the pioneers: Give them your blessing. Be interested. Keep your own life interesting so that you, too, have things to share. Don't' expect them to want to return to old ways. Love them anyway.

This is article originally appeared in the Amherst Bulletin, October 1, 1993

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Bleacher Buddies
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
March 15, 1999

I'm sitting on a bleacher - again. I think I've clocked a million hours since my kids started participating in sports and things artistic. By now I'm a pro at it. I have my book, my bottle of water, my newspaper, a blanket in winter, bug repellant in summer, sunblock all year. If a younger kid is dragged along, I'm prepared with enough food, juice boxes, and amusements to keep her/him supplied for a week. I've learned how to stay alert for the 3 1/2 minutes my kid is actually doing something in the three hours I'll be sitting here and to look generally attentive to the rest of the game, rehearsal, lesson, or whatever, while still reading the paper or chatting to another parent. It's an art from, developed over years of conscientious practice.

In all seriousness, bleacher time is some of the best of what life is all about.. Parenting is ultimately about witnessing: watching our children, giving them approval, filling them up with enough delight in them and their developing competence that they develop self confidence. The two are inextricably interrelated. The more competence a child gains, the more confidence comes with it. The extra confidence gives them the boost that same child needs to try something more challenging. Attentive parents are the key ingredient for setting that formula in motion for a lifetime.

Being a good parent means being a good sport about all the time you spend in uncomfortable seats beside fields, courts, rinks, and pools and in arenas, auditoriums, classrooms, and theaters. Your kids need you there. And, in truth, so do you. Missing the action at all these events means missing the good stuff about being in a family. Missing sharing with other parents means missing what it means to be raising children in community with others.

I've come to calling the other parents who share in the suffering and delight that goes with being a parental audience "bleacher buddies". Often enough, the only time we see each other is on the bleachers. We chat, pass the time, give each other a smile when a kid does something great, a commiserating shrug when things aren't going so well down on the floor, field, whatever. Sometimes these casual encounters plant the seeds for a solid friendship. More often, they become part of the fabric of community, the backdrop of our lives. There's something comforting and rewarding in just seeing the same faces and families again and again over the years as our respective kids grow from t-ball to Little League, a learn-to-skate program to competitions or hockey games, the elementary skit to the high school musical. As we travel together from parent night to parent night at the various grades, we watch ourselves and our kids grow.

I'm concerned about the many over-stressed parents who seem resentful about the time they spend watching kids and attending parent conferences. In fairness, they really are over-stressed and stretched. We all have more to do in a day than is humanly possible. But what these tired and fretful people often don't realize is how much we can be emotionally and spiritually fed by being at the kids' events. In the community of other parents, there is an opportunity for perspective and support for our parenting. Time on the bleachers isn't just for the kids' sakes. It's also part of what sustains us as parents.

Dr. Marie advises:

To be a good bleacher buddy . .

• Embrace time on the bleachers. Witnessing your children's activities is an important part of your job description as a parent. It builds confidence and competence.

• Remember that attending kids' events isn't just for the kids. It's also for you. Stop thinking about all the things you have to do and "do" being on the bleachers.

• Find ways to be generous to other parents on the bleachers. You are part of their community.

• Make sure you regularly tell your kids just how much joy is added to your life whenever you are watching them play, perform, learn, and grow.

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The Perils of Blame
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
March 29, 1999

It's not my fault. It's not fair. I didn't do it. Even if I did, it was because he told me to."

How did justice get to be the focus of so many families' problems? How do I write an article about the perils of blame in a family without people feeling blamed? This article isn't about scolding. It's about taking a look at the price that we and our children pay when blame has a prominent role in how we parent. More important, it's about what we can all do to help our children feel supported instead of merely judged.

As with most things if they get out of balance, over concern with justice can be disastrous in terms of family relationships and what the kids learn about managing life. In an atmosphere of blame, kids learn to keep a wary distance from parents and from each other. They learn to avoid situations where they might make mistakes and therefore narrow their own potential for learning. And they often learn to be sneaky, manipulative, or dishonest as strategies for avoiding blame.

Distance in family relationships is a typical outcome of blame-based parenting. Parents point fingers at kids and kids learn to point fingers at the other guy. Kids learn how to continually cover their tracks, how to appear innocent, how to set each other up. If one's place in the family is dependent on always at least looking innocent, it pays to figure out ways to make sure someone else is always at fault. Needless to say, it's difficult for siblings to be friends with each other when they are continually trying to get each other to take the fall. The consequent hurt and distrust of each other are often carried into adulthood.

Parents and kids also become wary of each other. In a family where parents are the source of more shame and punishment than love and support, parents are focused on finding out who is doing what wrong and kids are focused on staying out of the parents' way. The parents are sure that someone is always up to something awful. Kids never know whether what they are up to is going to get them in trouble. People can't be relaxed with each other, much less enjoy each other. The parents often are dutiful but resentful about having to parent. They just don't get much out of it. The kids are burdened with the idea that they are a constant disappointment to their parents and have no idea what to do or say that will be enough to make it right.

Kids often become hesitant about the exploring and trying that is central to learning. Often families where blame is a key issue can't see the trees for the forest. They don't recognize the small steps where learning takes place and only take in the "bigger picture" of failure. A broken glass is evidence or irresponsibility, not simply a glass that broke while the child learned how to do the dishes. The two words a kid got wrong on a spelling test loom larger than the eight she got right. These parents don't know how to support the inevitable failures that happen along the way to learning something challenging. Often their kids learn that trying something new (and not being good at it for awhile) only invites criticism. They become proficient at figuring out what they will be good at ahead of time and give up on everything else, often depriving themselves of skills and pastimes they might become quite good at, given time.

Kids of blaming parents often develop lying or at least circling the truth as a survival tool. These kids can be charming (charm helps avoid blame) but they are constantly manipulating the situation and others o that they can be ever blameless. Since it is impossible to be a kid and not do things that adults might find wrong, they may learn to be sneaky whether they need it or not. Some kids become terribly anxious and learn to stay in the shadows to be blameless. These kids manage their anxiety by constricting life to what is predictable and safe. Others figure that since they are going to be blamed anyway, they might as well deserve it. They then do whatever they want with no apparent consideration for others and often run into legal and moral trouble as they get older.

As you can see, the price of over-concern with blame is extremely high. The kids might look good to the world outside the family (after all, they know how to appear blameless0 but they have been deprived of some of the fundamental building blocks for successful adulthood. They distrust just about everybody, including themselves. They lack the courage to try new things because they fear failure and blame. They learn that charm and manipulation are safer than genuine closeness and risk taking.

Chances are if you come from a family of fault-finders, you are bringing some of it into your own parenting. You remember that it never felt good but you might not know how to make it different. In fact, there are a number of things you can do to get justice back in balance:

First, Remember that a family is not a court of law and the business of being a family is not about finding out who is to blame. A family is more like a school where the issue is figuring out how to manage life; not punishing people for not already knowing.

When people in the family are involved in pointing fingers, remember to ask is finding out who is to blame is going to help matters. The broken glass won't unbreak because we now know who is at fault. The immediate problem is to clean it up so no one gets hurt. That's everyone's problem. Pitch in to get it cleaned up and then talk about how to prevent it from happening again. When kids are fighting, it doesn't matter who started it. It matters that they can't figure out how to settle a difference. Get in there and teach them how to solve the problem, not how to determine who is wronger. When teens get home late, it doesn't really matter what the excuse is. It matters that they couldn't plan so that they would be in on time. Talk with them about what kind of structure they need so that they can meet the deadline and you don't have to worry. Set an atmosphere where apologies can be given and accepted; where the emphasis is on what can be learned, rather than on punishment.

Make it clear that no one gets to be a favored child at the others' expense; that setting each other up is simply not acceptable. Encourage your kids to stand up for each other, not put each other down. Give them lots of opportunities and approval for being a team.

Model that it's okay to be awkward, to be unsure of yourself, and to make mistakes while learning something new. Let the kids know when you are struggling with something and let them see you take set backs in stride. Give them lots of encouragement when they are trying out something new. Being a kids is about sampling lots of things and making lots of mistakes along the way. Focus on the parts, not the whole. It takes learning a whole lot of notes to play a song on the sax. It takes a whole lot of pitches to learn to reliably connect bat to ball. It takes a whole lot of practice to get all the spelling words right. Let the kids know that you absolutely understand this. It will give them to freedom to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Help your children understand that most of the things that people say and do that hurt us really weren't aimed at us. Teach them to figure out what is personal and what really isn't. Most people today are dealing with too much, have too many competing demands on them, have too few supports in their lives, and are trying to do more than is realistic in the amount of time they have to do it in. It's inevitable that details will be forgotten, that mistakes will be made, that people will let each other down. Model walking in the other guy's shoes for a moment before getting mad (and especially after you get mad). A sense of humor, a readiness to allow for innocent mistakes, and a willingness to pick up the slack when we can does far more for maintaining good relationship and getting things done than blaming, shaming, or asserting our own innocence and superiority.

Finally, let up on yourself. It's a terrible burden to feel like an idiot every time some little thing doesn't go as you think it should. Work on developing a sense of humor about the hundreds of things that can go wrong every day and give yourself some credit for the thousands of things that you get right. You and your children will be far better off for it.

Dr. Marie advises:

To avoid the perils of blame:

• When people are pointing fingers, ask yourself if finding out who is to blame is going to help matters. Move everyone's attention to solving the problem.

• Make it clear to your kids that no one gets to be "up" by putting the others down.

• Help your children understand that most of the things that people say and do that hurt us really aren't aimed at us. Help them learn to make their first interpretation of others' behavior a generous one.

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When Mom and StepMom Disagree
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
April 28, 1999

It's not at all an unusual problem but it's still a painful one for everyone involved. Mom and Dad divorce because they can't find a way to resolve conflicts caused by their different personalities and different ways for approaching the world. Dad remarries - this time to a woman more like himself. The kids come to stay every other weekend. Dad's new wife is appalled by the kids' wardrobes (or lack of them ), the kids' manners (or lack of them ), and the kids' interests (or lack of them). She sets out to help the kids by buying them different clothes, by insisting on table manners, and by demanding that they go out to play instead of watching TV. Mom won't talk to StepMom, won't send the new clothes back the next visiting weekend, and lets the kids know that she doesn't think much of StepMom's reforms. StepMom is annoyed with Dad for not backing her up. Dad withdraws into work or weekend sports and says there's nothing he can do.

The original misunderstandings and differences that led to the kids' parents' divorce have come forward once again. Mom and Dad never were able to be in sympathy with one another and now is no different, only this time Dad has an ally. The kids feel torn between their Mom's values and their Dad's. Their mother feels put down by their father's representative, StepMom. Dad feels furious with Mom and caught between the two women he depends on to help raise his children. StepMom feels unappreciated by her husband and the kids and exploited by Mom.

Usually it is the StepMom who comes to my office. She feels hurt, angry, and worried about her relationship with the children and her relationship with her husband. She has come to care for, even love, her husband's children very much and wants to do a good job as a parent. Naturally, she believes she is right in her ideas and wants me to help her shape up the other adults. Even if that were possible (it isn't), they are not in the room to be shaped. Mom, I'm sure, feels equally right about her position. Dad has been fighting with Mom for years. We'll get nowhere if we focus on what Mom and Dad should do differently. The only person StepMom can change in this situation is herself. My concern is whether I can help her drop her outrage, begin to look at the situation differently, and change her part in the cycle of hurt that is going on.

Assuming that we're talking about differences, not abuse or neglect, all of the adults in the situation need to start giving each other a break. Nobody has a corner on what is right; only on what they each prefer. Kids grow up to be good people with and without TV, with and without vegetables, with and without name brand clothes, with and without learning an instrument, with and without all sorts of things. I ask StepMom to consider that the differences between the rules and values of their parents' respective homes will not in themselves damage these children. The lack of respect among the adults who are important to them will.

So I ask StepMom to consider that Mom is raising these children 26 days out of 30. Quite apart from whatever fight she is in with her former husband, she's doing a very big job most of the time and deserves credit for that. StepMom can take a great deal of stress off of herself by accepting the reality that the children will always have a deeper, stronger, and longer relationship with their mother. She doesn't have to compete with that or correct what she sees as Mom's deficiencies. In fact, she would do much better to approach the children as young friends, not as responsibilities or as reflections of her beliefs about child-rearing. She can have far more influence on the well-being of the children by being an additional adult friend than by worrying about what clothes they wear. What a relief. All she has to do during the 4 days a month that she is with these kids is find ways to enjoy them.

StepMom can also withdraw from the struggle with her husband. He wasn't able to work out his differences with his former wife while they were married. He isn't going to be any more successful at it just because StepMom wants backing. The only negotiation that StepMom needs to engage in with Dad is how much and what kind of time he will spend with his kids when they are at their house for the weekend. Ideally, the kids should be getting the opportunity to know their Dad during their visits, not just their stepmother.

By getting out of struggles with the adults, StepMom also gets herself out of struggles with the kids. She certainly has the right to ask for basic politeness and respect for her things. But it's a losing battle to ask them to eat different things, to like different things, in fact to be different people than they are at their primary home. They can't. To do so is to be disloyal to the mother they depend on 26 days a month.

It's often fascinating what happens when one part of a complex system makes genuine change. Often enough, there is a quiet but significant domino effect over time. That's why I advise a stepmother in this kind of situation to understand what she can and can't change and to make peace with it. If she angrily withdraws or punishes her husband and the kids by playing the martyr, she hasn't shifted her role in the fight, only her tactics. If, instead, she can really let go and find a place for herself as another adult role model in the family, she may be surprised to find that she gets far more of what she was fighting so hard (and so ineffectively) to get.

Dr. Marie advises:

To be an effective stepmother when your values are different from the kids' mother. . .

• Remember to keep your role in perspective. If you are only with children 4 days a month, you only have 7% of the influence.

• Keep the big picture in mind. You can't win a battle over values. You can be an important, effective, and influential model for a different way to be an adult - but only if you are first a friend.

• Focus your attention on what you and your husband will do with the children while they are with you - not on what you wish their mother was doing with them while they are with her.

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Look for the Grandma
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
July 26, 1999

"Look for the Grandma". One of my best teachers repeated this lesson often. When a child from a chaotic home is doing better than you'd expect, look for the "grandma." "Grandma" in this case is any adult who cares about and spends time with a child. An aunt, best friend's mom, non-custodial parent, scout leader, youth group leader, teacher, coach, or even a grandma, can be the "grandma" that broadens a child's worldview and possibilities.

Many children live in situations that are indeed very confusing, even emotionally and physically toxic, for a child. Parents who are alcoholic, drug-involved, ignorant about children's needs, and/or unprepared to parent for a variety of reasons, can't and don't give children what they need to grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. In their confusion and neediness, their kids become as overwhelmed and unable to attach to anyone as their parents. Some fall in with the wrong crowd and start acting up. Some get so discouraged they withdraw into a world of dark thoughts and depression. And some don't make it at all, becoming another adolescent suicide statistic.

But some of these kids do seem to thrive in spite of the parents they were born to. That's when I start to look for the grandma. Some adult, somewhere, sometime, has given this kid an alternative way to look at her or himself and life. Some adult has put emotional money in that kid's psychic bank. Some adult has shown him or her that life can indeed be different than what he or she knows as daily life at home.

Over the years I've met many of these kids after they've grown up - kids who managed to make it in spite of terrible conditions when they were young. Without exception, there's been some adult in the picture at some time who made the effort to connect. It often didn't last long. Sometimes it's as little as a 2 week summer visit, or a few meetings where something important was said, or an encounter that probably didn't seem that significant to the adult but that changed the child's life direction. Needy kids hold these visits and encounters in their hearts like a precious warm light. When they finally escape their parents either through growing up, running away, or being thrown away, they pull that light out for warmth and courage as they try to make something of themselves. It's as if they are saying to themselves, "so and so looked at me and saw something worthwhile. Just maybe she was right."

I talk about this today because summertime is often visiting time. Children often get to spend some time with relatives or other families. Sometimes this happens because of love. Sometimes because of a visitation decree. Sometimes because a child just starts spending lots of time at a friend's house. However the visits come about, these times can have much more impact than the adults involved imagine.

I talked with a discouraged grandma today. Her grandchildren are truly neglected at home; not enough to get their parents in trouble but neglected none the less. She wonders what good 2 - 3 weeks with her every summer can possibly do. She even wonders if it is too confusing for the kids to come to her house where they are treated so differently from what happens at home. I quickly reassured her and encouraged her to keep it up. At her house, the kids get a strong dose of love and affection. They are read to and tucked in at night. They are each told how wonderful their individual talents are. Their opinions are listened to and respected. During the summer, Grandma gives them a yearly gift of self-esteem and value. During the rest of the year, she sends little notes and cards that let the kids know that they are important enough to think about. In this case, Grandma knows that she can't change the way the kids are treated by their parents. But, in her own love and concern for them, she gives them what she can. It adds up.

A divorced parent called me the other day. His former wife, her new husband, and his three kids live 1500 miles away. He thinks that their Mom puts her new marriage ahead of the kids but feels absolutely powerless to change it. Is there anything he can do? "Sure", I tell him. "Make a different kind of home for them every July and every other Christmas when they live with you and maintain friendly contact throughout the year." I tell him that he shouldn't ( and doesn't need to) speak negatively about their Mom's home. At some point, the kids will get old enough and will have enough experience to make their own judgements. If he wants to let his kids know they are valued and loved, all he has to do is show it. This requires time, not money. It means listening and loving and paying attention to who they are. It adds up.

A friend of mine happened to mention that her daughter's best friend is spending a lot of time at her house, frequently having meals and staying overnight. She doesn't like interacting with the girl's mother who is often intoxicated and always frustrating. No matter what arrangement my friend makes for rides, return times, curfews, etc., the other mother somehow pushes the limit. It's becoming clear that the girl really appreciates the stability and warmth that she gets from her girlfriend and family. The family is happy to fold her into their activities. They do it because they genuinely like her. She accepts their care because something healthy in her is drawn to what she needs. It adds up.

Summer time. Visiting time. Loving and caring time. Time when a child can experience self, life, and relationships with others in a different, more positive way. It really does add up.

Dr. Marie advises:

If you have the opportunity to offer a child a summertime alternative to an inadequate home. . .

• Don't -don't - don't verbally trash the child's home, parents, or upbringing. He or she has to go back there and live there. It's hard enough. - If the situation the child has to return to is really dreadful, involve the law, not the child.

• Spend time - lots of it. Neglected children need time and attention like a plant needs water.

• Don't forget the kids during the rest of the year. An occasional card or phone call lets the child know that she or he is worth thinking about and caring about.

• Let the child know that he or she is loved for simply being who he or she is; not because of what he or she is able to do for you.

• If you can, tactfully help him or her reinforce and learn some of the strategies for resiliency. See the article entitled "Resiliency" in the feature library.

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Money Matters
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
August 16th, 1999

"She's my expensive one." The mother sitting beside me at the local community pool points to one of her three teenaged daughters. "She's the one who just has to have clothes from the GAP. She won't wear anything that doesn't have a designer label. The others are happy with what we can get at Penneys or Sears but not her." The mother is clearly exasperated. I ask her what she does about it. "There's nothing I can do," she says. "She just won't wear anything else so I have to get her what she wants. I'm just glad the others don't care."

This mom wasn't asking for help. She just wanted someone to commiserate. Off duty, I do just that. Advice that isn't asked for is usually not welcomed. So, I make some sympathetic noises and change the subject to how well the girls are swimming and what would be nice to have for dinner the way moms do who find themselves idly sharing on a summer afternoon.

But later on I couldn't help thinking about the interchange. If the mom at the pool had asked for advice, I would have told her this: Children don't learn the value of the dollar as long as it seems that Mom and Dad have it to dole out in endless supply. When parents stay absolutely in control of money, kids grow up believing that when parents say no, they are being mean, not that there is a limit. The kids whine, plead, beg, charm, and tantrum because they've learned that these tactics will usually extract money from the Mom & Dad Bank and Trust.

Two events in our family got me thinking about how to train children about money. I remember the first time my oldest daughter, then age 4, wanted some money for something at school and I didn't have the five dollars in my wallet. When I told her I didn't have it, she was absolutely incredulous. Then she said, with all the earnestness and sweetness of a four year old charmer, "Well, you can just go to the money machine." I realized that she thought money was in endless supply at the ATM and that she had no concept of how money worked. Then there was the first time my then 80-something grandma asked me to help her with her checkbook. She couldn't figure out why the bank kept telling her she was overdrawn. "I still have all these checks, dear," she said. A traditional woman who had gone from her father's protection to her husband's, she had never had to manage money until she was widowed. Disoriented by age and change, she had the idea that as long as she had blank checks, she had money.

Although these stories have become part of our family folklore and humor ("But dear, I still have lots of checks . . ." when either my husband or I want something we can't afford), they are also object lessons for me about the importance of taking the time to school our children in the use of money just as surely as we make sure that they know how to read and write. Lessons in how money comes and goes can be a part of family life from the time children are in preschool. As with many things about child-rearing, I try to think about what I want my kids to know by the time they graduate from high school and work backwards from there. No child should leave home without these fundamental skills:

How to:

• work within a budget

• pay bills

• save for what you need and want

• save for a long-term goal

• balance and maintain a checkbook

• establish and maintain good credit

• comparison shop to get the best value. They should also have a realistic understanding of just how much it costs to support themselves and some direct experience with earning money that they need.

To meet these goals, I think we need to revisit the idea of allowances. In many families, an allowance is a little spending money that the child is free to spend on her or himself. Sometimes there are some chores attached for earning it. But, in my experience, not enough families use allowances as an important teaching tool.

Think about an "allowance" being defined as the amount of money the family can allow each child to have control over in order to learn how to budget and manage money. To get a realistic look at what you are already "allowing", make a list of all the times in the week that you are reaching for a wallet and how much you hand out each time. Add up every soda, every school lunch, every activity, every time a child asks for and gets a treat, every birthday present, every school request, etc., etc. There's usually an impressive gap between a kid's allowance and what the child really gets to spend every week.

Now work with your child to decide on a lump sum that will be given to her or him every week like a paycheck. Make a list of the things that your child will have to pay for out of that sum and what will be left over for her or him to spend on her or himself. Now you have the beginnings of a budget. A three year old might be given only $1.00 a week that she is expected to divide between a piggy bank, the church collection plate, and a weekly treat. For a senior in high school, a budget might include an allotment for clothing, school lunches, certain activity fees, and part of his car insurance. As your child grows, expenses do get more complex and the "paycheck" should get revised to reflect new realities. Each shift in income and expenses can and should become a new lesson in how money works. The system is working when you don't find yourself reaching for your wallet between paydays except for extraordinary, unforeseen expenses.

Of course, the system you develop also has to take into account each child's personality and maturity. One of our kids started his own savings account when he was about 6. In contrast, his brother seemed to have holes in his pockets. Our saver would sometimes go without things he really needed because he was worried about having enough money for the end of the week. We needed to help him really understand a budget so that he could have confidence that if he stuck to it he would have what he needed. For the spender, we discovered that having to manage money for a week at a time was initially too difficult. He'd spend everything in the first three days and then have to go without lunch for the rest of the week. Although that was a good object lesson for a week or two, it became clear that he wasn't mature enough to handle a week's worth of allocations. He therefore got half his allowance on Mondays and half on Wednesdays until he learned to manage funds for a longer stretch. Two different kids. One needed help in letting go of money. They other needed help in holding on to it.

The next step in money education for your child is earning at least a part of what is needed to cover expenses. In my family, for example, kids are helped with money for gifts until they get their first job. Then they are on their own. Gradually, they become responsible for some of their clothing, for all of their entertainment, and for making major contributions to their savings accounts for their college educations. Other families I know give kids enough money for major clothing purchases (like a coat) but turn over responsibility for earning money for most of their clothes to the kids by the time they are in their teens. Other families pay a portion of their kids car insurance but expect their kids to earn the balance and to cheerfully give rides to siblings as part of the deal. Any system works as long as it is clear. What's important is that the kids be given the opportunity to learn about income as well as outgo. It's often quite a revelation just how long it takes to earn $10 and how short it takes to spend it. A teen who understands that it takes 4 hours of flipping burgers to get that new CD has a very different perspective on money than the child who is given everything he or she wants.

As you and your children work together to develop their money management skills, you can add lessons in the use of a checkbook or credit card, making good purchasing decisions, managing savings, and maintaining a good credit rating. One Mom I know includes her kids in paying the monthly bills. They have helped write the checks, address envelopes, and make entries in the family ledger since they were 8 years old. Another family gets everyone involved whenever there is a major purchase to be made. Kids help research the item by reading up on it in consumer magazines and compare prices at different stores. Still another family has helped each of their teens take out a loan so that they could get experience in making monthly payments and could each build a credit history before leaving home. What all these families have in common is a commitment to educating their kids about the realities of money.

Good money management is an on-going challenge for most adults. By starting this training early and providing support along the way, we can help our children build solid financial skills for their futures.

Dr. Marie advises:

To help children learn good money management skills. . .

• Add money skills to the family curriculum early

• Think about allowances as a teaching tool, not as an entitlement

• Take each child's individual maturity and needs into consideration when setting financial goals

• Systematically add skills until your teen is able to manage money confidently and well

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Back to School '99
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
September 8, 1999

It's a new school year. The headline of a local paper reads: "Only 179 Days To Go". An area supermarket chain, trying to be cute in advertising school supplies, runs a radio ad where the word "school" is never spoken but is always negatively referenced: " Remember that place where you had to sit still all day . . ." A DJ on a radio station interviews children on the first day of school. "What is your favorite part of the day?", the announcer asks." "Recess!", answers a little girl with a lisp. The DJ rewards her response with laughter and a prize - prompting the next three kids to come up with variations: "Recess." "Lunch." "Going home." More laughter. More prizes.

Argh! There's something very wrong with this picture. Just what are American values around education anyway?

Remember our babies? Every moment was a moment of learning. Everything in the environment was touched, smelled, tasted, turned over and examined. Every day was filled with curiosity and insatiable exploration. Watch any two year old and you'll see a learning machine. Talk to a preschooler about almost anything and you'll find yourself having to think about it in a new way. Put a three year old on a playground where no one speaks his language and watch how easily he learns words and phrases by the end of the day.

Learning and, more important, the drive for learning is a natural part of being human. The greatest gift we can give our children is an a life-long enthusiasm for learning new things. Here are some of the ways that families with successful students keep that enthusiasm for education alive and well.

• Keep reading to your children, even when they are able to read by themselves. It's well documented that kids who are regularly read to do better in school.

• Turn off the TV during the week. Roll it into a closet if you have to. If people need background noise to work, use a radio. If TV isn't available, you won't have to argue about it every night and kids won't rush through homework to get to a certain show.

• Set aside a time and place for doing homework. It doesn't have to be fancy. Many families just clear off the kitchen table after supper. The important thing is that the kids get the message that doing their homework is the first priority in their evening.

• Do your "homework" while the kids are doing theirs. Homework time can be time for balancing the checkbook, reading up on something, doing paperwork from the office, or writing a letter. It's important that kids see you engaged in reading, writing, and figuring things out.

• Check homework for completeness and neatness only. On math papers, insist that your kids show their work, not just the answers. Kids need to know that how they present their work is an indication of self-respect and respect for others. Teachers need to see your children's mistakes in order to understand what they do and don't understand. It does not help your child when you take over and "improve" what they have done.

• Be genuinely curious about what your kids are learning and what they think about it. Help your children think critically about what they read by asking them for their reactions to the material.

• Establish a family policy that papers that receive less than a B for a grade get done over and resubmitted - regardless of whether the teacher demands it. Think about it. A grade of B or below means that your child hasn't learned 20% or more of what the teacher wanted her or him to know. Use school papers as part of a learning process between your child and the teacher. Have your child keep submitting work until the teacher is satisfied that your child knows the material. Ultimately, it isn't the grade that is important. It is whether the child has mastered what has been taught.

• If your child has special needs or learning disabilities, find out what she or he needs from you to support what is being taught in school. Be an energetic advocate for alternative programs within the school. Almost every kid can learn. The adults in their lives just have to figure out how to teach them.

I'll know that this generation of parents has been successful at supporting good education in our schools when I see a June headline that reads "Only 89 days left to go before kids get to go back to school". I'll know that we really value our schools when a radio ad begins with something like "Remember when you got to be in a place where you had to do nothing but learn new things every day?" . I'll know that our kids are getting the right message when a DJ asks, "What's your favorite part of the day?" and kids say things like "Writing stories." "Figuring out stuff in the science lab." "Talking about new ideas." Then we'll all deserve prizes.

Dr. Marie advises:

The most important factor for keeping the joy of learning alive for your children is to be joyful about it yourself. Parents who are attentive and excited about their children's schooling (and their own) usually have children who are attentive and excited about school.

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Coping with Loss
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
February 28, 2000

David was like the uncle in the Nutcracker. When he came to visit, there was glitter in the air. He brought laughter, jokes, and funny gifts. He hugged the kids, did the requisite uncle-type teasing, told a million knock-knock jokes, and had them begging for more. He delighted in the surprising and made all things special. If he brought a cake, it would be something outrageous like "double trouble by chocolate". If he brought a present, it was always just right. When David arrived, any day became a holiday - with a mythic big band playing. Yet, beneath the wild extravagance, there was an artistic, sensitive, sometimes insecure, and unfailingly kind, man. In quiet moments, he would listen intently and offer wise counsel. He was the kids' magical uncle, my husband's big brother, my best friend, and the leavening in my husband's otherwise overly serious family.

David died of AIDS in 1988.

Loss is an inevitable part of life. Our family, like everyone else's, has had to learn to deal with illness and death as great-grandparents, grandparents, and parents have passed away. But in those cases, death was in the natural order of things. Although it is certainly sad to lose a beloved grandparent, or even a less than easy to love parent, mourning lives that end in their late 70's, or 80's, or, 90's is not the same as mourning someone in youth or midlife. Our elders died knowing that they had had life's full opportunity. David (and, indeed, many of his friends) died when they were still in the process of becoming who they could be.

David's death left a hole that time doesn't close for us, for the man who loved him, or for the many people whose lives he made immeasurably more interesting. We've all healed. We've all moved on. But losing someone to such a cruel illness is not something one forgets. It is 12 years later and writing about this still takes my breath away. But it is also true that it was through David's death that my family learned some fundamental lessons about coping with loss.

First, we've learned that David continues to be part of our family. We tell David-stories that make us laugh until we weep. We tell the children when they are being like him. We remember him when we cook one of his recipes or when we use an item he gave us. When we have a family problem, we wonder aloud what David would do. We know that when we stop talking about people we have lost, they die in a new, even more permanent way.

We have also learned that relationships don't stop developing just because death intrudes. David was 10 years older than my husband and me. As we get older, we understand in new ways some of the things that David once said to us. As we gain more complexity in our own understanding of life, we appreciate just how considerate of our youth and inexperience he was.

We show our children that action is one way to relieve pain. We help at AIDS-related fund drives and work to raise awareness about the disease. David has a panel on the AIDS Quilt, created by family and friends. We are committed to sharing about his death as part of the larger effort to not let AIDS become "yesterday's news" in the U.S. Our children see us transform our grief and anger into support for research and help for those who are sick.

Finally, we (and our children) never say goodbye to each other without an "I love you." Our family is acutely aware that one can never know if we are seeing someone for the last time. No, it's not a morbid obsession. We just know with certainty that time with people we love is precious and unpredictable. David's death taught us to value each other.

Coping is a verb, an activity. It is through all of these things that we not only bear loss but also transform it. Although we would never have asked for such a hard lesson in managing death, we have learned to value the many ways it has deepened us.

Dr. Marie advises:

To help your children cope with the loss of a beloved relative ...

• Tell lots of stories to keep the person in the family.

• Help them understand that relationships continue even after the person is gone.

• Show them how to transform their grief by reaching out to others.

• Value people you love in life as well as in death.

A Reader writes:

"I wonder if it is ever a good idea to smack your children. When they are little, most times they don't understand properly and aren't paying attention when I try to tell them things. I'm worried they won't listen to me and will really get into trouble one day. Is a smack on the bottom a good idea in this situation?"

Dear Reader,

Like most things, what you do depends on what your goals are. Smacking kids does get results. The kids become fearful of the "smacker" - you - and do what you want them to do to avoid the smacking.

The down side is that your children don't learn to do things because they understand the difference between right and wrong. They learn to do things (or not do things) because they don't like to be smacked.

Some kids who are disciplined through spankings become sneaky. They don't worry about the morality of doing a bad thing. They worry about being caught - and hit. Other spanked kids become much too concerned with assessing what authority figures in their lives want instead of thinking about what they believe is right. Still others seem to learn that they only need to follow rules as long as someone bigger is around to enforce them. They look forward to the day when they are big enough to call the shots. Needless to say, none of these conclusions is the stuff of genuine morality.

I'm more interested in figuring out a style of discipline that helps kids internalize a sense of morality and personal responsibility. Remember: The original meaning of "discipline" is "to teach". Discipline, in this sense, is not a reaction to something you don't like but an effort to teach things you want your children to know about getting along in the world. Smacking doesn't accomplish this goal. But here are some ideas that do:

Disciplining for responsibility means setting rules that are appropriate to the age and stage of development for the child. When children don't understand properly, it's often because either the information is too complicated for them or the adult hasn't found a simple enough way to explain it (or both). There are lots of resources for helping you know what is reasonable for you to expect of your child at each age. Ask your pediatrician, an experienced parent, or your child's teacher if you are unsure. You can also visit websites or look at books on child development.

Remember that kids aren't able to listen to new information while you are angry with them. They are too worried about the anger. If you have something important to explain to them, pick a quiet moment and explain it simply. It often helps to ask a child to look at you when you are giving out important information. Looking helps with focussing.

Involve the kids in making rules whenever it is practical to do so. Kids who have a say in setting rules feel more invested in following them. Adults are often surprised just how wise kids are about rule setting when they feel invited to be part of the conversation.

Disciplining for responsibility means being very, very careful that we don't act out of anger or revenge when our kids do something wrong but that we be our most responsible selves (sometimes a tall order). When parents get angry and frightening, they are indeed impressive to children. But children then focus on the parent's anger and on their own fear instead of on the lesson we are trying to teach. Living within rules and boundaries is a fact of life and teaching responsibility means holding people accountable matter-of-factly. Humor helps a lot too.

Disciplining for responsibility means that the focus is on learning rather than on punishing the learner. The focus can't be on assigning blame or demanding retribution. Rather, the focus needs to be on helping the child understand what he or she did incorrectly and providing an opportunity to try again. Under this system, a parent doesn't smack a kid who misbehaves. Instead, the parent removes the child from the situation, looks him or her in the eye, kindly and firmly reminds the child of the rule, and provides an opportunity to try again.

Interested in learning more? You might find the following websites useful:

www.positivediscipline.com

www.awareparenting.com

www.naturalchild.com

Dr. Marie Advises:

To help your children become moral people ...

• Think about discipline as a curriculum instead of a judicial proceeding

• Always consider the age and stage of the child when setting up rules so you don't set the child up to fail

• Exercise self-discipline when your child misbehaves. Instead of reacting out of anger, think carefully about what you will do to help your child learn from the situation.

Comments? I'm always glad to hear your feedback. Write to us at: info@parentadvisor.net

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Let's Talk about In-laws
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
April 8, 2001

Ever wonder why so many comedians make mother-in-law jokes? All they have to do is say, "Take my mother-in-law. Please take her" and the audience is off in a gale of laughter. Picking on in-laws seems to be a sure thing.