What is it in the human soul and mind that resists complexity? Now there is a writer/researcher who claims on the basis of an impressive amount of library research that parents ultimately don't matter much. Judith Rich Harris argues in her book The Nurture Assumption that the development of children's personalities and behavior is primarily determined by their interactions with their peers. This assertion is getting wide play in the media and Ms Harris is getting awards for it.

I've been in the world of psychology for a long time now - pushing 30 years. I remember the nature-nurture debate of several decades ago. The issue was finally settled when it was determined that both are important. What we are born with genetically and what we learn from our environment both seem to have an effect on who we are and become. At the risk of being irreverent towards the work that established that compromise , it seems pretty obvious to me.

People seem to need to point to an "it" that explains everything. "It" is bad parenting. "It" is biological. "It" is birth order, "It" is outside influences. "It" is lack of education, "It" is peer pressure. . . . (All this reminds me of the Officer Krumki song in West Side Story. Remember? The song satirizes all the well-meaning social workers who come up with various explanations about why gang members are who they are.)

My response to Ms. Harris is, with all due respect, that she doesn't have the "it" either. Although there are some days that I would love to disclaim all responsibility for what my teenagers are doing (they can be so unattractive at times), to do so would deny the meaning of our relationship. My husband and I made them. They are making us. (Our kids also force us to grow up, you know.) In the course of daily living, we react to each other. We react to each other's reactions. And we all take the resulting mix out into the world the next day.

You see, the issue Dr. Harris evades is that no one goes out to the peer group as a clean slate. The family is the first social unit and as such is the first place that a child tries out behaviors to see what helps him or her fit in and what doesn't. Babies only a few days old figure out how to engage the adults around them. Little kids learn the survival skills of their own families and bring them on to the playground. Right through adolescence, kids rehearse and work at such issues of autonomy, power, responsibility, interdependence, trust. Sometimes what is learned in the family works elsewhere and sometimes it doesn't but it always gives the kid a place to start.

After almost 30 years as a psychologist, I've become convinced that there is no "it" that explains human behavior. We are all too wonderfully complex and rich in our heredity and experiences to reduce to any simple explanation. I've always seen peer relationships as very important when counseling children and teens - but I also know that, however important for a given child, it's only a part of the picture. If I'm to understand any child, I need to look at the total situation: their parents, the quality of family interactions, family values, issues of gender, race, and class, the unique, seemingly innate qualities of the individual, and so on.

In a recent article in the Boston Globe, Ms. Harris states that anyone who insists that kids turn out the way they do because of a variety of factors is wimping out. I don't think so. I marvel at the countless factors that can lead us to be who we are and that make every one of us so unique and interesting. I certainly understand the desire to simplify it. After all, if we could finally come up with the "it" that explains everything, taking care of unhappiness and dysfunction would be simple in deed. As tempting as it is, the real wimping out is to focus our thinking so narrowly.

Dr. Marie advises:

• Treat any theory that claims to have the whole truth with a grain of salt (actually, a whole shaker full).

• If you want to understand the influences on your children, look at the total situation:

• Nurture your children - lots. You have far more influence than you think you do.

• Understand that it is a basic truth of parenting that you often don't get the kids you had in mind. Very few become carbon copies of ourselves. Most kids take on some of who we are and add their own original twists. Enjoy watching that process unfold.