What parent hasn't been riveted by the news this week? I'm so sad for the parents - all the parents - of Littleton: Those who lost children to death, those who lost children to a gang, those who lost the innocent belief that their children are safe in school. And I'm so sad for the teens: those who lost friends, those who lost themselves, those who lost their sense of safety in the world. No one in that community is untouched by what happened. The rest of us mourn with you. The rest of us are shaken to the core. If it can happen there, we know it can also happen here.

Tonight I listened to several special reports that talked about the need for gun control, the need for more security in the schools, the need for anger management training in kindergarten. Each of the stories probably had a piece of truth. But what I haven't heard yet is a story that addresses the larger issues of community responsibility for our young people.

I don't yet know much about the young boys who became terrorists, then murderers, and then suicides. But what I do know is that somehow we adults let them down. This is the kind of event that demonstrates absolutely what is meant by "it takes a village to raise a child".

In Littleton, a group of kids have been coming to school every day dressed in black trench coats. They've been angry, hostile, and mean. They've been talking about murder and mayhem and they're known to idealize Hitler. Some kids have given them wide berth. Others have made them the focus of ridicule. This isn't subtle stuff, people. The kids of Columbine High have been sending up distress signals for quite a long time.

Please. This isn't about pointing fingers at the already grief stricken people of Littleton. Name me a school where there isn't at least one young boy who is isolated and angry. Name me a school where there isn't at least one kid who is scape-goated or left out. Most of the disaffected boys who have committed horrific violence in schools during the past few years are boys who have been taunted, teased, and humiliated by their peers (and sometimes by adults who have joined in). It's true that often they have been quirky, unattractive, or unskilled in the things that other kids think are important. It's also true that, in their own insecurity and search for identity, other kids often become hypercritical and intolerant of the kids who are a bit different.

All of our adolescents need the support, guidance, and attention of the adults around them. They need to be truly seen and responded to. Angry and withdrawn kids need the adults in their lives to up the level of care and useful attention, not up the level of ostracism and punishment.

The only thing more powerful than a group of adolescents who band together for trouble is a group of adults who band together to help them.

There are so many things that a community committed to easing kids into adulthood can do: It means a renewed appreciation of just how important adult involvement is to the safety and growth of our teens. It means a renewed commitment to look honestly at the values of our culture and how we do and don't support them. It means putting our time, energy, and love into active participation in our adolescents' lives.

One group of parents I know formed a support system for themselves and other adults who are connected with their kids. They stay in touch with each other and in touch with their teens. They've developed some consistent rules about alcohol, drugs, curfews, and behavior. No child goes anywhere with another child without the adults clearing it with each other first. If one parent has trouble enforcing reasonable rules, that parent can call on the others for practical help. (When one child refused to come home from the local roller rink at 2:00 a.m., four parents met and calmly escorted her out.) These parents focus on finding useful projects that adults and teens can do together that give the kids positive experiences and consistent contact with adults who care about them. Perhaps most important, they recognize that not all parents are equally equipped to manage difficult teens and made a pact to help one another.

You're right. At first the kids were furious. But, after a while, once they figured out that their parents were not interested in imprisoning them, just in keeping them safe, most of the kids responded with relief. As one (formerly tough) young man told me, "How can I disappoint people who put this much into me?"

On the values level, we need to do a better job of helping kids and adults learn the art of finding something to appreciate in every person they meet. As a culture, we need to make it clear that you never put yourself up by putting someone else down. We need a zero tolerance policy on comments, wisecracks, taunts, and putdowns that assert a hierarchy of personal value in our schools, at our workplaces, in our families. We adults need to make it absolutely clear that no one is more valued than another as a person just because he or she plays sports, gets A's, wears the right clothes, whatever. We need to model looking beyond the surfaces to the value and uniqueness of every human being.

We adults need to get out of our denial about the consequences of violence as entertainment. Kids who immerse themselves in a culture of violence are rehearsing it. We know that anything taught to children early and often becomes part of them. That's why we encourage kids to practice sports, music, academics, religion. But somehow we seem to forget this basic principle when we allow, even encourage, our children to "play" at killing.

Finally, we have to make it much, much harder for children to get access to guns. The impulsivity and sense of immortality that are characteristic of teens makes access highly dangerous. The difference between a troubled kid who threatens violence and a troubled kid who shoots someone is a gun.

Dr. Marie advises:

To reduce incidents of violence by young people . . .

• Network the adults in young people's lives to provide care and attention for all kids and especially for those showing signs of depression, withdrawal, and/or inappropriate anger

• Make a commitment to teaching tolerance and compassion.

• Unplug the kids from violence as entertainment

• Severely limit access to guns