"It's not my fault. It's not fair. I didn't do it. Even if I did, it was because he told me to."

How did justice get to be the focus of so many families' problems? How do I write an article about the perils of blame in a family without people feeling blamed? This article isn't about scolding. It's about taking a look at the price that we and our children pay when blame has a prominent role in how we parent. More important, it's about what we can all do to help our children feel supported instead of merely judged.

As with most things if they get out of balance, over concern with justice can be disastrous in terms of family relationships and what the kids learn about managing life. In an atmosphere of blame, kids learn to keep a wary distance from parents and from each other. They learn to avoid situations where they might make mistakes and therefore narrow their own potential for learning. And they often learn to be sneaky, manipulative, or dishonest as strategies for avoiding blame.

Distance in family relationships is a typical outcome of blame-based parenting. Parents point fingers at kids and kids learn to point fingers at the other guy. Kids learn how to continually cover their tracks, how to appear innocent, how to set each other up. If one's place in the family is dependent on always at least looking innocent, it pays to figure out ways to make sure someone else is always at fault. Needless to say, it's difficult for siblings to be friends with each other when they are continually trying to get each other to take the fall. The consequent hurt and distrust of each other are often carried into adulthood.

Parents and kids also become wary of each other. In a family where parents are the source of more shame and punishment than love and support, parents are focused on finding out who is doing what wrong and kids are focused on staying out of the parents' way. The parents are sure that someone is always up to something awful. Kids never know whether what they are up to is going to get them in trouble. People can't be relaxed with each other, much less enjoy each other. The parents often are dutiful but resentful about having to parent. They just don't get much out of it. The kids are burdened with the idea that they are a constant disappointment to their parents and have no idea what to do or say that will be enough to make it right.

Kids often become hesitant about the exploring and trying that is central to learning. Often families where blame is a key issue can't see the trees for the forest. They don't recognize the small steps where learning takes place and only take in the "bigger picture" of failure. A broken glass is evidence or irresponsibility, not simply a glass that broke while the child learned how to do the dishes. The two words a kid got wrong on a spelling test loom larger than the eight she got right. These parents don't know how to support the inevitable failures that happen along the way to learning something challenging. Often their kids learn that trying something new (and not being good at it for awhile) only invites criticism. They become proficient at figuring out what they will be good at ahead of time and give up on everything else, often depriving themselves of skills and pastimes they might become quite good at, given time.

Kids of blaming parents often develop lying or at least circling the truth as a survival tool. These kids can be charming (charm helps avoid blame) but they are constantly manipulating the situation and others o that they can be ever blameless. Since it is impossible to be a kid and not do things that adults might find wrong, they may learn to be sneaky whether they need it or not. Some kids become terribly anxious and learn to stay in the shadows to be blameless. These kids manage their anxiety by constricting life to what is predictable and safe. Others figure that since they are going to be blamed anyway, they might as well deserve it. They then do whatever they want with no apparent consideration for others and often run into legal and moral trouble as they get older.

As you can see, the price of over-concern with blame is extremely high. The kids might look good to the world outside the family (after all, they know how to appear blameless0 but they have been deprived of some of the fundamental building blocks for successful adulthood. They distrust just about everybody, including themselves. They lack the courage to try new things because they fear failure and blame. They learn that charm and manipulation are safer than genuine closeness and risk taking.

Chances are if you come from a family of fault-finders, you are bringing some of it into your own parenting. You remember that it never felt good but you might not know how to make it different. In fact, there are a number of things you can do to get justice back in balance:

First, Remember that a family is not a court of law and the business of being a family is not about finding out who is to blame. A family is more like a school where the issue is figuring out how to manage life; not punishing people for not already knowing.

When people in the family are involved in pointing fingers, remember to ask is finding out who is to blame is going to help matters. The broken glass won't unbreak because we now know who is at fault. The immediate problem is to clean it up so no one gets hurt. That's everyone's problem. Pitch in to get it cleaned up and then talk about how to prevent it from happening again. When kids are fighting, it doesn't matter who started it. It matters that they can't figure out how to settle a difference. Get in there and teach them how to solve the problem, not how to determine who is wronger. When teens get home late, it doesn't really matter what the excuse is. It matters that they couldn't plan so that they would be in on time. Talk with them about what kind of structure they need so that they can meet the deadline and you don't have to worry. Set an atmosphere where apologies can be given and accepted; where the emphasis is on what can be learned, rather than on punishment.

Make it clear that no one gets to be a favored child at the others' expense; that setting each other up is simply not acceptable. Encourage your kids to stand up for each other, not put each other down. Give them lots of opportunities and approval for being a team.

Model that it's okay to be awkward, to be unsure of yourself, and to make mistakes while learning something new. Let the kids know when you are struggling with something and let them see you take set backs in stride. Give them lots of encouragement when they are trying out something new. Being a kids is about sampling lots of things and making lots of mistakes along the way. Focus on the parts, not the whole. It takes learning a whole lot of notes to play a song on the sax. It takes a whole lot of pitches to learn to reliably connect bat to ball. It takes a whole lot of practice to get all the spelling words right. Let the kids know that you absolutely understand this. It will give them to freedom to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Help your children understand that most of the things that people say and do that hurt us really weren't aimed at us. Teach them to figure out what is personal and what really isn't. Most people today are dealing with too much, have too many competing demands on them, have too few supports in their lives, and are trying to do more than is realistic in the amount of time they have to do it in. It's inevitable that details will be forgotten, that mistakes will be made, that people will let each other down. Model walking in the other guy's shoes for a moment before getting mad (and especially after you get mad). A sense of humor, a readiness to allow for innocent mistakes, and a willingness to pick up the slack when we can does far more for maintaining good relationship and getting things done than blaming, shaming, or asserting our own innocence and superiority.

Finally, let up on yourself. It's a terrible burden to feel like an idiot every time some little thing doesn't go as you think it should. Work on developing a sense of humor about the hundreds of things that can go wrong every day and give yourself some credit for the thousands of things that you get right. You and your children will be far better off for it.

Dr. Marie advises:

To avoid the perils of blame:

• When people are pointing fingers, ask yourself if finding out who is to blame is going to help matters. Move everyone's attention to solving the problem.

• Make it clear to your kids that no one gets to be "up" by putting the others down.

• Help your children understand that most of the things that people say and do that hurt us really aren't aimed at us. Help them learn to make their first interpretation of others' behavior a generous one.