Children are wiser than we think. I asked my 12-year-old daughter and some of her friends if they are still thinking about and talking about the World Trade Center tragedy – or if things were getting "back to normal." They thought about it for a while. Then one young girl said, "It's not yes or no. It's more like we're doing what we usually do but we know that things are different now." The others nodded solemnly and agreed.

"Things are different now." I couldn't sum it up better. The toppling of the World Trade Center towers and the plane crashes in Washington and Pennsylvania signaled the end of a kind of American innocence. Thousands of people murdered while going about their everyday lives? That happens somewhere else, doesn't it? It does – but now, it has happened here. And it can happen again.

How do we raise our children under these circumstances? How do we keep them safe in a world that we have discovered – in a new and chilling way – isn't guaranteed to be safe? How do we help them recover from this national trauma and build the inner resources to manage what the future holds?

Children Have Varying Needs

There are, of course, levels of fear. Children who witnessed the horror of the crashes; children who lost a loved family member or friend; children whose parents have been called up for military service; children whose parents are grieving the loss of someone they loved – these are the children most likely to suffer from trauma for some time to come. They require special care and support. A good resource for helping children cope with loss can be found at the Web site for the National Mental Health Association. If your child is showing signs of post-traumatic stress as outlined on this site, please consider referring your family to a local psychotherapist for help.

For this article, I'm choosing to talk about the vast majority of kids in our country who are perhaps deeply affected but not necessarily traumatized. These are the kids who watched the events of September 11th unfold on TV or who heard about it from anxious adults. They may see that the adults around them are still upset and sad. They may have a sense that "the world is different now" and be confused and frightened about what that means. What can we do to help them cope with a situation that we adults are also finding difficult to manage?

Tips for Helping Children Manage a Changed World

Deal with your own feelings: We can't be anchors for our children if we haven't found a way to anchor ourselves. If you continue to feel overwhelming anger, fear, or sadness, be sure that you talk it out with friends, family and/or professionals. Find ways to ground yourself by doing such things as meditation, prayer, exercise, and helping others.

Limit media exposure: My guess is that most adults were so unable to grasp the enormity of the situation that they needed to see it over and over again just to "get" that it really happened. The networks obliged by repeatedly playing the images of destruction throughout the day. But I'm concerned about the impact of this repetition on our children. Those countless TV replays created an indelible image in their brains. Most children can't cope with such images. Many developed nightmares.

Think carefully about what and how much you let your children see. Most importantly, don't assume that they understand what they are seeing. Talk about it and give them some framework for making sense of it all.

Make allowances for unusual behavior: Children, even teens, often don't have enough words to express their feelings about something as big and upsetting as a major tragedy. Instead, they act out. Expect and make allowances for irritability, irrational outbursts, over-reactions, and withdrawal. These changes in behavior are the way that your children are telling you that they are overwhelmed and need your help. Find ways to name and share feelings and to reassure them that you are with them.

Acknowledge children's feelings: It's so tempting to be glib. It's so tempting to use clichés. It's so very tempting to try to just smooth over difficult feelings and distract kids by changing the subject. Please don't! As hard as it is to see your children having a hard time with their feelings, it's much healthier to let them feel what they feel and to encourage them to tell you about it. If you don't know what to say, you can always say, "I can see that this is really hard for you. It's hard for all of us."

Stay honest: Trust me – Kids know when we bend the truth to make them feel better. Little lies, however well intended, make kids feel anxious and insecure. They start to wonder what else we're lying about. As much as you might like to, don't tell children that you can guarantee that our world will be safe. You can't – and they know it. It's more honest to acknowledge the reality that the world is sometimes an unpredictable and dangerous place.

What you can do is reassure your children with things you really can promise: You can reassure them that people in our government are doing the best that they can to keep everyone safe. You can help them understand that chances are very small that terrorists will attack them. You can soothe them by telling them that you will protect them with your love and caring.

Help kids find a useful way to feel in control: Kids and adults feel better when they feel that they can do something to change a situation. Help your children find positive ways to respond to their concerns. Some families are making donations to charities. Others are sending cards and letters of thanks to the firefighters, police, and rescue workers. Others still are working through UNICEF to help New York school children cope with the disaster.

Reconsidering "Normal"

It will take most of us a very long time to come to terms with the events of September 11th. But in the meantime, we parents have a job to do. Children do follow our lead. As we return to "normal," they will feel more stable and secure. But I hope that in our desire to get back to our lives, we don't forget that the world really is different now. Yes, it's important to be more guarded and to help our children learn to cope with the unthinkable. It's also important that we hang onto the lessons in civility, humility, hope, and caring that are available to us in the midst of tragedy.